9/16 1145am
I am a codependent isolationist.
I have few friends and even less of a social life.
I need to start over to detach.
This is so hard. I've identified the feeling I get. It's in my stomach, almost like I'm going to throw up, almost like butterflies. When I get it i need to watch myself. When i get it i want to attack. I will get better with practice, and will be able to relax a bit when i get the feeling.
I need to try and connect the feeling to my comfort spot. Move it when I feel it. Man it seems like I haven't felt that good feeling in a while. I cant remember the last time...I dont always remember the good. Hmm, another pin for my self talk. I'm trying to not do the things that identify me as a codependent. Thinking/talking/thinking obsessing over her is bad. Transferring that to someone else is bad too. I need to figure out something else to do. Not just pushing it down, that's the key.
920pm
In his them all tonight. Hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. Lucy text me and said she's spending the night out again, it's easier for school. That means I won't see her tomorrow at all. Not until the next day. Makes me sad. Also makes me jealous and crazy. Makes me scared she found someone to replace me. Makes me feel like blowing this up. I actually thought of drinking. Just for a moment, but it came to mind. If I cant get my way I'm going to scream until I do. Bleh. I prayed and was ok, then got teddy and food in me, and i was better. Now I'm tired and a bit worried. I just need to wait this out. This too shall pass.
Monday, September 16, 2019
Sunday, September 15, 2019
Acceptance
9/15 630a
I woke up anxious. I talked myself down and asked what is the worst that happens. I came up with she finds someone to replace me. What happens? I move on...
I just dont want to accept that I can live without her. I *want* her in my life so bad that i dont acknowledge that life beyond lucy is even possible. I'm reading "Codependent No More," and getting a lot out of it. It makes me sad to think of life beyond lucy, but it is possible. In fact, I need to start figuring out what I want to do and doing it. It's been so long that I dont even know what that is. Man, I cant think of the last thing aside from games that I did for just me. I can probably transfer my codependency over to my kids, but that seems unhealthy.
I feel selfish focusing on me. Narcissism is an issue for me and I tend to draw that line closer because of my codependency. I need to find that line.
I think that I dint want to accept that I can live without her because I'm afraid I may start to.
I woke up anxious. I talked myself down and asked what is the worst that happens. I came up with she finds someone to replace me. What happens? I move on...
I just dont want to accept that I can live without her. I *want* her in my life so bad that i dont acknowledge that life beyond lucy is even possible. I'm reading "Codependent No More," and getting a lot out of it. It makes me sad to think of life beyond lucy, but it is possible. In fact, I need to start figuring out what I want to do and doing it. It's been so long that I dont even know what that is. Man, I cant think of the last thing aside from games that I did for just me. I can probably transfer my codependency over to my kids, but that seems unhealthy.
I feel selfish focusing on me. Narcissism is an issue for me and I tend to draw that line closer because of my codependency. I need to find that line.
I think that I dint want to accept that I can live without her because I'm afraid I may start to.
I want it all
9/8 745pm
I'm all or nothing. I like that. I want one lover, that I spend all my time with and she with me. One friend, who can fill the off time. Greedy. Everyone is here for me. I am very self centered, but at least I am realizing it.
I'm all or nothing. I like that. I want one lover, that I spend all my time with and she with me. One friend, who can fill the off time. Greedy. Everyone is here for me. I am very self centered, but at least I am realizing it.
Sunday, September 8, 2019
Alone.
9/7 9pm
My grandfather is in the hospital. Hes 88 and fell off a roof. Hes broken. Lucy had plans to stay at a friends house tonight. I wish she would have stayed. I tried to convince her to let me pick her up. It's a 45 minute drive, lol. I'm crazy. My 4yo also has swimmers ear and I'm still sick.
So I'm alone.
Not a big deal, just something I'm not used to so I'm scared. We are waiting for my grandfather to show signs of getting better or worse. Nothing I can do there. Teddy is doing well, no pain.
The only issue is, I'm alone.
As long as I keep myself busy then. Morning was usual. We both made it a point to say goodbye. I had a chance to cut her some fruit for lunch and did it secretly. She said I was obsessed (guilty). I took teddy for a thirty minute drive to get meds, problems arose and it to an extra twenty minutes. After that we went shopping for stuff for food and came home.
I made rice, enchiladas, cookies, and banana bread. I also played minecraft with teddy. Then I got tired and came to bed.
And again, I am alone.
So I'm typing out this and thinking i should just sleep. But she might call, and I don't want to miss it. This is good for us though. She is breaking free, and I am learning to be less codependent. Lord.
"I don't want to smile if it ain't from you."
1150pm
I'm worried about being forgotten. I'm scared that when she's with other people she forgets about me. Realizes how bad I am, and replaces me.
It's so ridiculous to hear, but I cant help but feel it.
125am
Got up after lying there for a half hour to take melatonin. My 14yo comes out to say there's a kitten on the porch and mom told him to put food out. Now I feel ignored. I know she thought of me and decided not to call. Probably because it was late. That doesnt make it hurt any less. I want to call her and pick a fight. I want to tell I'm here, love me. Please dont go. I want these feelings to die. I do not like the way they feel.
This is why I used before, to deaden the pain I felt. I'm not sure what that pain was, but it must've felt like this. Mind you I'm no closer to using than yesterday. I have no intention of ruining my life again and going back into my self inflicted hell.
No calls, no texts tonight. I dont know why. I hate that I need to know. I just text her "I miss you." The last thing I need is for her to call now. I just get so crazy over her. Now. Heh, so crazy I just checked Facebook.
This afternoon I recognized this feeling. I felt this way when lucy left for Las Vegas for a week. Difference was then i just moped, I wasnt crazy for her so I didnt get this worked up. But I also did nothing for a week. Haha, I did more today than that week!
Maybe I should have called someone. I'm so tired of talking about something I cant control. Next time I will. I know it helps. Maybe I should have called her. That's very codependent. I want her to have a good time and not worry about me. Wow, that's even more codependent, with a touch of martyr. I should have been more direct when I text her. I'm sure this has something to do with my grandfather too. I have zero control over that, so I may be trying to assert control everywhere else in my life.
I think i got this all figured out, but that sounds like my ego. I think I'm going to find someone to chat with on the internet.
And then she got home showered and crawled naked into my bed at 8am.
My grandfather is in the hospital. Hes 88 and fell off a roof. Hes broken. Lucy had plans to stay at a friends house tonight. I wish she would have stayed. I tried to convince her to let me pick her up. It's a 45 minute drive, lol. I'm crazy. My 4yo also has swimmers ear and I'm still sick.
So I'm alone.
Not a big deal, just something I'm not used to so I'm scared. We are waiting for my grandfather to show signs of getting better or worse. Nothing I can do there. Teddy is doing well, no pain.
The only issue is, I'm alone.
As long as I keep myself busy then. Morning was usual. We both made it a point to say goodbye. I had a chance to cut her some fruit for lunch and did it secretly. She said I was obsessed (guilty). I took teddy for a thirty minute drive to get meds, problems arose and it to an extra twenty minutes. After that we went shopping for stuff for food and came home.
I made rice, enchiladas, cookies, and banana bread. I also played minecraft with teddy. Then I got tired and came to bed.
And again, I am alone.
So I'm typing out this and thinking i should just sleep. But she might call, and I don't want to miss it. This is good for us though. She is breaking free, and I am learning to be less codependent. Lord.
"I don't want to smile if it ain't from you."
1150pm
I'm worried about being forgotten. I'm scared that when she's with other people she forgets about me. Realizes how bad I am, and replaces me.
It's so ridiculous to hear, but I cant help but feel it.
125am
Got up after lying there for a half hour to take melatonin. My 14yo comes out to say there's a kitten on the porch and mom told him to put food out. Now I feel ignored. I know she thought of me and decided not to call. Probably because it was late. That doesnt make it hurt any less. I want to call her and pick a fight. I want to tell I'm here, love me. Please dont go. I want these feelings to die. I do not like the way they feel.
This is why I used before, to deaden the pain I felt. I'm not sure what that pain was, but it must've felt like this. Mind you I'm no closer to using than yesterday. I have no intention of ruining my life again and going back into my self inflicted hell.
No calls, no texts tonight. I dont know why. I hate that I need to know. I just text her "I miss you." The last thing I need is for her to call now. I just get so crazy over her. Now. Heh, so crazy I just checked Facebook.
This afternoon I recognized this feeling. I felt this way when lucy left for Las Vegas for a week. Difference was then i just moped, I wasnt crazy for her so I didnt get this worked up. But I also did nothing for a week. Haha, I did more today than that week!
Maybe I should have called someone. I'm so tired of talking about something I cant control. Next time I will. I know it helps. Maybe I should have called her. That's very codependent. I want her to have a good time and not worry about me. Wow, that's even more codependent, with a touch of martyr. I should have been more direct when I text her. I'm sure this has something to do with my grandfather too. I have zero control over that, so I may be trying to assert control everywhere else in my life.
I think i got this all figured out, but that sounds like my ego. I think I'm going to find someone to chat with on the internet.
And then she got home showered and crawled naked into my bed at 8am.
Thursday, September 5, 2019
The 6am breakthrough
9/4 600am
Listening to an interview with Figs O'Sullivan and he said that it was not a you problem where a me problem but it's our problem and we need to face it United. If I can think that way I think that would help me a lot not be crazy and attack her like I did last night.
He goes on to talk about a question that one person in the relationship is better at asking than the other person and that's are you there for me? I feel like I need to answer that question more often. I am secure that Lucy is there for me. There are times when I am weak and there are times when I doubt it but those times are short lived. With Lucy the last 6 years she has been in the state of are you there for me. When I go there I know it's a scary place to be and I feel like it's the end of the world can't imagine living there for 6 years
While this is an us problem Figs also said that we need to be the experts on ourselves. I think that's the best thing about the 6 month separation. The idea is that we learn about ourselves and what we are bringing to the table. I need to figure out why I acted the way I did, and how to avoid that in the future. I think Lucy means to figure out if she could get rid of the pain that comes with me being good now. If she could trust me again and how she can trust me again. I have so much faith in us we have worked so hard at points in our relationship that we were not hurting and that we were not broken. And the beginning we worked so hard to not get to this point and something happened and we got to this point. I like to take all the blame for it, Lucy likes to take some blame for it. She probly takes too much and I probly take way too much. But I do know that I want out of this problem. I do know that I want Lucy more than anything in the world. And no matter what and the end, as I told her last night, we will be together in one way or the other. She told me that after this if we weren't together she would want me she would want to live with me forever still just because we're so we're so good friends and are so good together
I feel like shit today I'm sick and I feel very emotional right now and I doubt this is a good time for me to sit think. But it's probly a bad time for me to be at work. Lol at least I can't call in sick.
Lucy is my primary attachment figure she is what I have built my life around. She thinks that that's why I'm scared to lose her because so much of my life is wrapped up in her. But the truth is so much of my life is wrapped up in her because I want her in my life. She is the most important relationship in my life.
If Figs is right then I chose this relationship because I knew that Lucy will touch the soft spots in me and instead of coming out bad it will come good. And Lucy chose the same but those soft spots that I touched I made worse. I need to focus but how to make those better. I'm trying really hard. And this gives me a different perspective on what I am looking at. I think I'm learning when Lucy is feeling her lowest she is most connected to me. And she is struggling because she is *that* connected to me. Everything she seen and read and people she talks to say you need to get out. But her heart and our connection and our attachment tell her that there's no way she can't be in it. But she has to be here. Just like I have to be here. This gives me a whole new perspective on our relationship.
Somehow I got to the place where I thought to fix our problems I had to fix Lucy. I saw her hurting and wanted her not to her so I saw this is her problem and I needed help to fix her. But what I didn't realize that it was Our problem and I was part of it. And the only way I could fix our problem is by fixing the only thing I can, me. It's easy down to look back and see this but at the time I just felt not good enough. And I didn't think that was something that I could fix.
1050am
See the Waltz, Feel the Hurt, Own My Part.
More insight from Figs and EFT.
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there." -- Rumi
Love this as well.
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
How much do I take?
9/1 1115p
I messed up tonight. I'm not perfect. That's not an excuse. I came home hungry, stressed (about my own plans [insight;trying to control my night]), and over caffeinated. Sounds like disaster. I was not keeping that in mind.
1am
I tried.to be extra loving the rest the night. She hurt. It was like there's the old Rich. I told her that she'll see tomorrow that I'm back on top, that I have more good days than bad, I'm not perfect, and I'm not going to stop trying. I really just want to figure out me, and be a good person. I've got the recipe and I'm building towards those goals. I told her that i just wanted to take care of her after hurting her.
I messed up tonight. I'm not perfect. That's not an excuse. I came home hungry, stressed (about my own plans [insight;trying to control my night]), and over caffeinated. Sounds like disaster. I was not keeping that in mind.
1am
I tried.to be extra loving the rest the night. She hurt. It was like there's the old Rich. I told her that she'll see tomorrow that I'm back on top, that I have more good days than bad, I'm not perfect, and I'm not going to stop trying. I really just want to figure out me, and be a good person. I've got the recipe and I'm building towards those goals. I told her that i just wanted to take care of her after hurting her.
Sunday, September 1, 2019
Let It Go
8/30 1000pm
I am feeling bad today. We had a good night last night and I feel like I'm in destroy mode. I woke up thinking about or future and immediately went to her smoking and how that will kill her. I left late and missed my coffee. Later I dropped my phone and cracked the screen again. I went to her school for lunch, nope busy. Also wont kiss me in front of her school and never really introduces me to anyone. I did something nice. Last night she was hoping I'd set up something special for us. I bought her a Google home, set it to play a romantic playlist, and set up some battery votives. Went over awesome. Then she tells me she disconnected our photo apps (my idea) but it makes me feel like she's hiding something. After root beer floats, she's laughing out loud at texts while I'm sitting next to her. I'm now so jealous. I'm giving it to God and asking for strength. Its still hard. So hard. Her phone was in here while she took a long shower. I could have looked, but resisted. God help me in the future, give me strength to give her space.
So I dont think she has any idea. I told her I was sad about the photos thing. She's laying with teddy (us) right now on her phone. I'm so crazy that I didnt even notice all the scrolling she's doing. Probably looking at stuff, but my mind goes to bumble (dating app). Grr. I dont want to feel this way, but I am kinda glad I do. It validates my feelings are real.
I've been hard flirting with her all day. Like borderline peer pressure. I teased her about doing it in the car. The 4yo went to his cousin's house so we had a chance, but she's worn out. I understand. I am too. She been flirting back and is sad about being worn out.
[Sudden realization! I dont need to tell here to go out on Saturday and now worry about me. That's her decision to make. Wow. For some reason that feels awesome. Back to it.]
I was just pushing her to tell me how I am embarrassing (she made a comment) and she asked if I wanted to turn this into a serious conversation. I puffed out my chest and said you got something serious to say? She let me have it, kinda. Not in an aggressive way, but an honest way. It was older stuff. Well, not from the last few weeks stuff. I feel.like i pissed her off, but she's not backing that way. It's just me feeling aggro. Grr. I'm going to go lay with her and I think tell her I had a bad day and didnt run to her. Or something. I want to let her know about my day and that I'm feeling jealous. I feel like she would want to here it.
1145pm
Went over well. She's impressed and had no clue.
[Ugh was this a control move? Meant to take away her power? Telling her I could live without her. Are my motives that deep?]
She said tour damned if you do and damned if you dont. I asked her to clarify. She said that even if I can keep this up there's a chance we may not be. Ugh. Gut punch. Then she said she didnt know. I like the not knowing vs a chance. A chance sets it in her mind. Her not knowing, well, that seems better than her saving some percent for failure.
Even though I had a shitty day, I had a lot of fun with her.
I am feeling bad today. We had a good night last night and I feel like I'm in destroy mode. I woke up thinking about or future and immediately went to her smoking and how that will kill her. I left late and missed my coffee. Later I dropped my phone and cracked the screen again. I went to her school for lunch, nope busy. Also wont kiss me in front of her school and never really introduces me to anyone. I did something nice. Last night she was hoping I'd set up something special for us. I bought her a Google home, set it to play a romantic playlist, and set up some battery votives. Went over awesome. Then she tells me she disconnected our photo apps (my idea) but it makes me feel like she's hiding something. After root beer floats, she's laughing out loud at texts while I'm sitting next to her. I'm now so jealous. I'm giving it to God and asking for strength. Its still hard. So hard. Her phone was in here while she took a long shower. I could have looked, but resisted. God help me in the future, give me strength to give her space.
So I dont think she has any idea. I told her I was sad about the photos thing. She's laying with teddy (us) right now on her phone. I'm so crazy that I didnt even notice all the scrolling she's doing. Probably looking at stuff, but my mind goes to bumble (dating app). Grr. I dont want to feel this way, but I am kinda glad I do. It validates my feelings are real.
I've been hard flirting with her all day. Like borderline peer pressure. I teased her about doing it in the car. The 4yo went to his cousin's house so we had a chance, but she's worn out. I understand. I am too. She been flirting back and is sad about being worn out.
[Sudden realization! I dont need to tell here to go out on Saturday and now worry about me. That's her decision to make. Wow. For some reason that feels awesome. Back to it.]
I was just pushing her to tell me how I am embarrassing (she made a comment) and she asked if I wanted to turn this into a serious conversation. I puffed out my chest and said you got something serious to say? She let me have it, kinda. Not in an aggressive way, but an honest way. It was older stuff. Well, not from the last few weeks stuff. I feel.like i pissed her off, but she's not backing that way. It's just me feeling aggro. Grr. I'm going to go lay with her and I think tell her I had a bad day and didnt run to her. Or something. I want to let her know about my day and that I'm feeling jealous. I feel like she would want to here it.
1145pm
Went over well. She's impressed and had no clue.
[Ugh was this a control move? Meant to take away her power? Telling her I could live without her. Are my motives that deep?]
She said tour damned if you do and damned if you dont. I asked her to clarify. She said that even if I can keep this up there's a chance we may not be. Ugh. Gut punch. Then she said she didnt know. I like the not knowing vs a chance. A chance sets it in her mind. Her not knowing, well, that seems better than her saving some percent for failure.
Even though I had a shitty day, I had a lot of fun with her.
Friday, August 30, 2019
8/28 250pm
Last day at tarbucks, onward and upward. I'm excited to start a new job. A new life path, really. I have been stuck in this part for a long time. Im ready now to stand up and be the best example I can be to my kids. I'm already doing so much better than before. All I can do is what I can do. And damn can I do a lot!
Last day at tarbucks, onward and upward. I'm excited to start a new job. A new life path, really. I have been stuck in this part for a long time. Im ready now to stand up and be the best example I can be to my kids. I'm already doing so much better than before. All I can do is what I can do. And damn can I do a lot!
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
8/26 240pm
I'm funding less time to post. That's a good thing, before I was getting worked up and making myself post. I was taking more time in the day (read: less sleep) to worry and put it in writting. Things are weird, we are spending stupid amounts of time together. I'm not complaining, but Lucy needs to be able to step back and look. I dont want her to feel like she didnt get what she needed out of this seperation. She downloaded a dating app to feel better, like she was moving and not stuck on me. She was grossed out. Maybe too strong of words. She was assaulted with messages.so much so she had to turn it off. She was worried about telling me, hurting me. I'm feeling reallynsane though, so o got to say, look at me, this is how I'm taking it. Tell me anything and I can handle it. I was worrying about what she would tell me and I came up with the worst thing I could. The worst would be if she saw so.eone else before the seperation. I asked myself how that would change the way I felt. It wouldn't. Sure it might hurt. But would it change anything? No. Could I get over it? Yes.
I'm funding less time to post. That's a good thing, before I was getting worked up and making myself post. I was taking more time in the day (read: less sleep) to worry and put it in writting. Things are weird, we are spending stupid amounts of time together. I'm not complaining, but Lucy needs to be able to step back and look. I dont want her to feel like she didnt get what she needed out of this seperation. She downloaded a dating app to feel better, like she was moving and not stuck on me. She was grossed out. Maybe too strong of words. She was assaulted with messages.so much so she had to turn it off. She was worried about telling me, hurting me. I'm feeling reallynsane though, so o got to say, look at me, this is how I'm taking it. Tell me anything and I can handle it. I was worrying about what she would tell me and I came up with the worst thing I could. The worst would be if she saw so.eone else before the seperation. I asked myself how that would change the way I felt. It wouldn't. Sure it might hurt. But would it change anything? No. Could I get over it? Yes.
Monday, August 26, 2019
Idle hands
8/24 330pm
Friday was busy. I didnt even write. Lucy cut the first half of the day and I helped her a bit. I saw a new counselor and really like him.
830pm
What a long day. Did a photobooth at a friends party. Tried to go to church, but we had a toilet accident with the 4yo. My fault, but I didnt want to take him with no pants. I'm an introvert at parties and the photobooth gives me an excuse to hide while still feeling social. Someone asked for my card, it feels so cobbled together and feels very unprofessional. But people love it. I should design some cards.
Lucy was asleep when I was coming in here, I had to get teddy out of her room, she said she was going to come in and say goodnight. I was not expecting it! I think it would feel weird not to say goodnight to her. Sounds codependent. My therapist said that a couple of times. I need to start paying attention to that. He said that about my need to spend every moment with her. He called it object-relations and you should grow our of that by 6 and into object-usage.
Friday was busy. I didnt even write. Lucy cut the first half of the day and I helped her a bit. I saw a new counselor and really like him.
830pm
What a long day. Did a photobooth at a friends party. Tried to go to church, but we had a toilet accident with the 4yo. My fault, but I didnt want to take him with no pants. I'm an introvert at parties and the photobooth gives me an excuse to hide while still feeling social. Someone asked for my card, it feels so cobbled together and feels very unprofessional. But people love it. I should design some cards.
Lucy was asleep when I was coming in here, I had to get teddy out of her room, she said she was going to come in and say goodnight. I was not expecting it! I think it would feel weird not to say goodnight to her. Sounds codependent. My therapist said that a couple of times. I need to start paying attention to that. He said that about my need to spend every moment with her. He called it object-relations and you should grow our of that by 6 and into object-usage.
Thursday, August 22, 2019
Day off
8/22 1115pm
A whole day off. Off of this crazy trip I'm taking. Last night after she smoked I made a.comment about how long it took and told her exactly how long it was. She said I'm worried about you. I told her all my crazy. All of it. We sat talking until the 4yo came looking for me and then went to bed, the three of us. So amazing. Too bad I was so crazy getting there. I slept until 11am thanks to Lucy. She wrote me an email (shudder, her letters are know) but it mostly said she was weak and I shouldn't count on her talking me down. I said I knew that and didnt expect her to. She also said not to expect anything, like talking before bed. I agreed. No expectations. Damn, I like that.
We had a good day, we each got stuff done and the went out together. We stayed in together afterwards and have been super close the rest of the night.
She told me it wont always be like this. I told her I expect ot not to be like this. I hope for this, i want this, but I'm trying to be ok whatever may happen.
Polyamory came up again. Stomach ache. She said she was still.looking at it as a last case type of thing to save us. She said she doesn't want to just give in to the possibility of the end, so maybe there is this other option. And yes she is looking into it to see if it's for her, but only for us. Makes me feel.less insecure about it. I hear it as she wants me so bad that if I cant give her what she needs she'll find someone else who can do that to stay with me. Not that she's looking for a replacement. I think that sums up my position. If I cant fulfill her, unwilling be replaced. I can understand the idea of polyamory, just cant feel it that way. I still want to finish the book and maybe get.myself to a place that I can handle it if it does happen, but I don't think it will. I don't think she would like the idea of sharing me. I asked (bad) if she could get over her jealousy to let me play. She said she didnt know, i think thats how the conversation started. I.held my tongue and didnt push forth trying to hurt her. I'm glad I was able to after that slipped out. I could have said fuck it and dumped on her, ruining the pleasant (awesome) maybe had. I am more hopeful now, I feel like I still know who she is, that this is just a thing, not a change.
I need to start taking care of myself. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow afternoon. Finally. See how things work out? Have I programmed myself to believe that it always happens at the last minute? Hmmm... thoughts for another day, I need sleep to not get crazy.
A whole day off. Off of this crazy trip I'm taking. Last night after she smoked I made a.comment about how long it took and told her exactly how long it was. She said I'm worried about you. I told her all my crazy. All of it. We sat talking until the 4yo came looking for me and then went to bed, the three of us. So amazing. Too bad I was so crazy getting there. I slept until 11am thanks to Lucy. She wrote me an email (shudder, her letters are know) but it mostly said she was weak and I shouldn't count on her talking me down. I said I knew that and didnt expect her to. She also said not to expect anything, like talking before bed. I agreed. No expectations. Damn, I like that.
We had a good day, we each got stuff done and the went out together. We stayed in together afterwards and have been super close the rest of the night.
She told me it wont always be like this. I told her I expect ot not to be like this. I hope for this, i want this, but I'm trying to be ok whatever may happen.
Polyamory came up again. Stomach ache. She said she was still.looking at it as a last case type of thing to save us. She said she doesn't want to just give in to the possibility of the end, so maybe there is this other option. And yes she is looking into it to see if it's for her, but only for us. Makes me feel.less insecure about it. I hear it as she wants me so bad that if I cant give her what she needs she'll find someone else who can do that to stay with me. Not that she's looking for a replacement. I think that sums up my position. If I cant fulfill her, unwilling be replaced. I can understand the idea of polyamory, just cant feel it that way. I still want to finish the book and maybe get.myself to a place that I can handle it if it does happen, but I don't think it will. I don't think she would like the idea of sharing me. I asked (bad) if she could get over her jealousy to let me play. She said she didnt know, i think thats how the conversation started. I.held my tongue and didnt push forth trying to hurt her. I'm glad I was able to after that slipped out. I could have said fuck it and dumped on her, ruining the pleasant (awesome) maybe had. I am more hopeful now, I feel like I still know who she is, that this is just a thing, not a change.
I need to start taking care of myself. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow afternoon. Finally. See how things work out? Have I programmed myself to believe that it always happens at the last minute? Hmmm... thoughts for another day, I need sleep to not get crazy.
All about me
8/21 3pm
On my good moments, I know this isnt about me and that I have no control. When I'm freaking out it's all about me and I'm fighting for control. That's why I want to her Lucy, so I feel like I'm in control. I hope that I can keep this perspective, it's what pulled me out of a panic attack today. I'm pretty sure I'm having them because of lack of sleep and over caffination.
630p
We made a deal that it is reasonable for me to expect a call everyday when she gets out of school by 6pm so I dont freak out. Why is that? I'm just doing it to check up on her. I'm just trying to exert control. So I text her and said I hadn't heard from you all day. Dick move. What I feel is lonely and I want to hear her voice. Why to I fuck around?
I almost sent this:
But I want to wait until she gets home to talk about it. Oh, and let's add that I dont need to expect a call, but if I feel lonely or scared I might text her to see what's up.
930pm
I talked she listened and agreed. I said I do not expect a call, I want a call, I like talking to you. And if I'm freaking out I will figure out why I'm feeling that way and text you unless I'm really worried. She seemed happy with my revelation that this is not about me and I have no control. I know I am. I should try and go to.sleep, but I think I'm going to wait it out and see if she comes to me after her shower. It's the crazy in me keeping me up at night.
1030pm
ugh, I'm so needy. I'm still hoping, after she left the room, she'll be back. Ugh! Im fucking up my shit in hopes of a hug. Well, I'll settle for a hug, but in hopes of a fuck. Dammit. I should sleep, but I dont want to miss it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This is going to be a long six months if I continue with this. We were all flirty earlier and was hoping... I really need to sleep.
On my good moments, I know this isnt about me and that I have no control. When I'm freaking out it's all about me and I'm fighting for control. That's why I want to her Lucy, so I feel like I'm in control. I hope that I can keep this perspective, it's what pulled me out of a panic attack today. I'm pretty sure I'm having them because of lack of sleep and over caffination.
630p
We made a deal that it is reasonable for me to expect a call everyday when she gets out of school by 6pm so I dont freak out. Why is that? I'm just doing it to check up on her. I'm just trying to exert control. So I text her and said I hadn't heard from you all day. Dick move. What I feel is lonely and I want to hear her voice. Why to I fuck around?
I almost sent this:
I wish I could just stop making this about me. I'm sick of my stupid feelings getting hurt over dumb shit that didnt matter 2 months ago and wont mayter once we are ok. I'm just being selfish and trying to control the situation. A box gets check, 600, time to exert my will.
930pm
I talked she listened and agreed. I said I do not expect a call, I want a call, I like talking to you. And if I'm freaking out I will figure out why I'm feeling that way and text you unless I'm really worried. She seemed happy with my revelation that this is not about me and I have no control. I know I am. I should try and go to.sleep, but I think I'm going to wait it out and see if she comes to me after her shower. It's the crazy in me keeping me up at night.
1030pm
ugh, I'm so needy. I'm still hoping, after she left the room, she'll be back. Ugh! Im fucking up my shit in hopes of a hug. Well, I'll settle for a hug, but in hopes of a fuck. Dammit. I should sleep, but I dont want to miss it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This is going to be a long six months if I continue with this. We were all flirty earlier and was hoping... I really need to sleep.
Wednesday, August 21, 2019
Better days ahead
8/20 830a
I need strength to pause my thought. I did very well last night, when we talked, I just listened. I asked if she had any more to say and then I talked and she listened. What's new there is I listened. I only said things that were listening affermatives. I did not explain or defend myself. After I explained how I got to the place I was at after a day of thought, I took my friends advice and talked about my feelings. Only my feelings. Not what brought them up, or why I'm feeling them. Just what I was feeling. It's really hard to put into words. Especially the scary ones. But I did it. I owned it. It isnt relevant how she acted (not that it was bad, I just wasnt looking for a reaction), but that she received it. Wow...I wasnt looking for a reaction. Just sharing. That is what i really want. Just to be able to talk about it.
900pm
Good day. Did a lot of stuff. Filed a divorce for my ex wife finally. Never really realized or acknowledged how much it hurt her. Helped with her new room as well.
Only had one breakdown. Hard one, Almost had to pull over. I pulled out one note and speech to text. Let's see how that went.
Why is it that I hurt? why do I feel so alone? why am I so scared? I feel like if she had somebody else after awhile you won't want me. I feel right now that she only has me she has no one else. that's it I have control [hehe: which troll] and if I don't have any control I don't think that she wants to stay.
You wanna do it hurts. even before. [I have no idea]
I feel like the only way to get over the poly amorous thing is to think about it more, talk about it. I wanna know what it looks like in our life. Do we date other people do we invite a couple in? I also feel like I wanna have this conversation to spite you. I want you to feel what I'm feeling. I want you to be scared like I'm scared. I wanna feel about
All I want is to be close to you can't be close to you if there's someone in Between us And I want so bad to be close to right now.
Wow, fucked up, greedy, selfish, spiteful. And scared. So scared. Pretty sure this goes back to my abandonment issues.
I need strength to pause my thought. I did very well last night, when we talked, I just listened. I asked if she had any more to say and then I talked and she listened. What's new there is I listened. I only said things that were listening affermatives. I did not explain or defend myself. After I explained how I got to the place I was at after a day of thought, I took my friends advice and talked about my feelings. Only my feelings. Not what brought them up, or why I'm feeling them. Just what I was feeling. It's really hard to put into words. Especially the scary ones. But I did it. I owned it. It isnt relevant how she acted (not that it was bad, I just wasnt looking for a reaction), but that she received it. Wow...I wasnt looking for a reaction. Just sharing. That is what i really want. Just to be able to talk about it.
900pm
Good day. Did a lot of stuff. Filed a divorce for my ex wife finally. Never really realized or acknowledged how much it hurt her. Helped with her new room as well.
Only had one breakdown. Hard one, Almost had to pull over. I pulled out one note and speech to text. Let's see how that went.
Why is it that I hurt? why do I feel so alone? why am I so scared? I feel like if she had somebody else after awhile you won't want me. I feel right now that she only has me she has no one else. that's it I have control [hehe: which troll] and if I don't have any control I don't think that she wants to stay.
You wanna do it hurts. even before. [I have no idea]
I feel like the only way to get over the poly amorous thing is to think about it more, talk about it. I wanna know what it looks like in our life. Do we date other people do we invite a couple in? I also feel like I wanna have this conversation to spite you. I want you to feel what I'm feeling. I want you to be scared like I'm scared. I wanna feel about
All I want is to be close to you can't be close to you if there's someone in Between us And I want so bad to be close to right now.
Wow, fucked up, greedy, selfish, spiteful. And scared. So scared. Pretty sure this goes back to my abandonment issues.
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
How bad could it be?
8/19 330pm
What a fucked up day. Started the morning out good until we started talking about the polyamorous. I started crying. I dont want to lose time. I dont want to share.
920pm
Ugh so much today. Dont even want to talk. She asked me to make her a massage appointment. Today is her day off. I was at work. So I called her and was like this isnt a seperation. We decided to talk tonight about it. Still uung up on polyamory, I messaged a poly friend.
At lunch I wanted to sit in my car and cry, so I called someone and they were like stand up and separate, it might not be what you want, but it might be what you need.
I don't want to hear that. So ow I'm dreading this talk. I don't even want to come home. After work things line up so I can talk to my poly friend for a while and she is so insightful. She says things that put me to a point where I'm looking forward to this convo. I'm excited to have it. She said something like situations are just kindling for the fire; talk about how you feel. Be genuine, that's the juicy bits. She also asked why Lucy asked things of me. Is she looking to trust me? So deep. She kept asking why. But why. But why? Because I'm scared to be left alone, with these huge feelings, not being fed.
Here's what I wrote about it, but not all how I feel.
What is the point? I need a mission statement I can look at and remind myself.
I didnt think before I called. I just called. If I would have thought this out I would have just decided that I like doing things for you and being included in your life. But I didnt, and this is what happened when I act before I think.
I'm pretty sure this is leftovers from this morning. I *am* very upset that I brought this on. I just dont know why I'm doing it. Because I want you to hurt? Because I want to be heard? Because I want to be close to you no matter how? Because I'm desperate for control.
Honestly I dont want to do this. I am all in. I will still do everything for you and expect nothing. I'm not sure why this bothers me.
I really dont want to talk about this the more I think about it.
Seperation means we live separate lives. I dont want that, I should be glad that you dont either.
This whole thing bothers me and I feel I'm just pushing back to push back.
To try out not relying on each other.
Of course I dont want that. I know I need to rely on you less (fourth step reading). I need you to a point where you are not questioning us.
If I were to draw a line, it would be if something that is just as easy or easier for you to do.
This is seperation. The idea is to see whether or not you can live without me. Again, I dont want this and saying these things scares me. I feel like I'm pushing you away. And I dont want you away from me.
I'm afraid you'll get mad an say fuck that guy I'll go be by myself. I don't want that.
--
What happens if I fall off in 2 weeks?
What happens if we turn it to 100 and see of I burn out?
What a fucked up day. Started the morning out good until we started talking about the polyamorous. I started crying. I dont want to lose time. I dont want to share.
920pm
Ugh so much today. Dont even want to talk. She asked me to make her a massage appointment. Today is her day off. I was at work. So I called her and was like this isnt a seperation. We decided to talk tonight about it. Still uung up on polyamory, I messaged a poly friend.
At lunch I wanted to sit in my car and cry, so I called someone and they were like stand up and separate, it might not be what you want, but it might be what you need.
I don't want to hear that. So ow I'm dreading this talk. I don't even want to come home. After work things line up so I can talk to my poly friend for a while and she is so insightful. She says things that put me to a point where I'm looking forward to this convo. I'm excited to have it. She said something like situations are just kindling for the fire; talk about how you feel. Be genuine, that's the juicy bits. She also asked why Lucy asked things of me. Is she looking to trust me? So deep. She kept asking why. But why. But why? Because I'm scared to be left alone, with these huge feelings, not being fed.
Here's what I wrote about it, but not all how I feel.
What is the point? I need a mission statement I can look at and remind myself.
I didnt think before I called. I just called. If I would have thought this out I would have just decided that I like doing things for you and being included in your life. But I didnt, and this is what happened when I act before I think.
I'm pretty sure this is leftovers from this morning. I *am* very upset that I brought this on. I just dont know why I'm doing it. Because I want you to hurt? Because I want to be heard? Because I want to be close to you no matter how? Because I'm desperate for control.
Honestly I dont want to do this. I am all in. I will still do everything for you and expect nothing. I'm not sure why this bothers me.
I really dont want to talk about this the more I think about it.
Seperation means we live separate lives. I dont want that, I should be glad that you dont either.
This whole thing bothers me and I feel I'm just pushing back to push back.
To try out not relying on each other.
Of course I dont want that. I know I need to rely on you less (fourth step reading). I need you to a point where you are not questioning us.
If I were to draw a line, it would be if something that is just as easy or easier for you to do.
This is seperation. The idea is to see whether or not you can live without me. Again, I dont want this and saying these things scares me. I feel like I'm pushing you away. And I dont want you away from me.
I'm afraid you'll get mad an say fuck that guy I'll go be by myself. I don't want that.
--
What happens if I fall off in 2 weeks?
What happens if we turn it to 100 and see of I burn out?
Monday, August 19, 2019
Afterward
8/18 830am
I feel cheated. I want more. I am hurt.
After i got up this morning, but before I left the bedroom I heard her wake up. I went over and hugged her. She asked what's up know something was. She knows me well. I told her I wanted more last night. She smiled and hugged me. She said its probably best because she was "touching some feels." She said that last night, in the middle, when I stopped and started at her. It hurts to be rejected. I dont like to hear stop from her. This is going to get hard. I see what she means by a roller coaster in our past. I imagine it was what I felt like when I tried really hard and then stopped. At least I have plans for the next two days. Today and tomorrow are her days off. I know why she liked to leave a lot.
I kinda want to talk to her about this, but I'm not sure how. I think just apologizing about the rollercoaster and saying I'm getting a small taste will keep it about her. That's what I want to get across. Not that I'm hurting. I just dont want to go back to friends.
930am
And of course she gets up, comes to me, sticks her feet under my legs and puts her head on my shoulder. I told her I think I know how that rollercoaster felt, I'm sorry. Goes to show that immediately exploding into emotions after being hurt is not the way to go. What did I used to say? Acknowledge, feel, move on.
900p
Exhausting day. Wrote out my resignation letters, emailed one and put the other in my bag. Saw my sponsor and talked about four. I help father in law install a toilet. I also worked for a few morning hours. I feel like I got nothing done, but looking back at my day ot went well. I'm avoiding helping Lucy move into the other room. I want to keep her in her. I know it's wrong and I really haven't had the time, so when I do I will. I'm making it a higher priority. I'm going to read some AA while waiting for her to come home.
I feel cheated. I want more. I am hurt.
After i got up this morning, but before I left the bedroom I heard her wake up. I went over and hugged her. She asked what's up know something was. She knows me well. I told her I wanted more last night. She smiled and hugged me. She said its probably best because she was "touching some feels." She said that last night, in the middle, when I stopped and started at her. It hurts to be rejected. I dont like to hear stop from her. This is going to get hard. I see what she means by a roller coaster in our past. I imagine it was what I felt like when I tried really hard and then stopped. At least I have plans for the next two days. Today and tomorrow are her days off. I know why she liked to leave a lot.
I kinda want to talk to her about this, but I'm not sure how. I think just apologizing about the rollercoaster and saying I'm getting a small taste will keep it about her. That's what I want to get across. Not that I'm hurting. I just dont want to go back to friends.
930am
And of course she gets up, comes to me, sticks her feet under my legs and puts her head on my shoulder. I told her I think I know how that rollercoaster felt, I'm sorry. Goes to show that immediately exploding into emotions after being hurt is not the way to go. What did I used to say? Acknowledge, feel, move on.
900p
Exhausting day. Wrote out my resignation letters, emailed one and put the other in my bag. Saw my sponsor and talked about four. I help father in law install a toilet. I also worked for a few morning hours. I feel like I got nothing done, but looking back at my day ot went well. I'm avoiding helping Lucy move into the other room. I want to keep her in her. I know it's wrong and I really haven't had the time, so when I do I will. I'm making it a higher priority. I'm going to read some AA while waiting for her to come home.
Sunday, August 18, 2019
Onward
8/17/2019 830am
Feeling like I have a lot less to say today. Feeling like a lazy day. My plans are to sort clothes, ots of sitting! My hormones are out of control, I feel like a teenager. She put her head on my shoulder and told me she holds back a lot from touching me. I know our love...I remember it...again.
I'm trying not to focus on that. The forgetting. I'm trying to hold on to what I feel; it's not hard to.
900am
I just found our vows. It would do me good to read them once a week.
1115pm
Well today went well. I ran out of time, but I got most of my shit done. At least I started sorting clothes. I found the vows in an empty journal we were supposed to pass back and forth. I wrote innit last week and decided to put my hormonal thoughts into words. She asks about my fantasies and I respond with dunno. So I wrote down what I was thinking about. I decided I didn't want her to read it unless we were going to be intimate. I dropped off the 4yo early and was hoping to spend some time with Lucy when I got home from my meeting. Right before my meeting she called and asked about the text about dinner I sent. Then she said I want some alone time with you!
Meeting went well, I got invited out, but declined. My sponsor pressured me to, but I had made plans.
What a night. We talked about our days and then after we talked about us. She told someone at school that I'm doing everything right. She said she wants to believe, but doesn't want to get hurt. I told her that everdaybcould be like this and I would still respect the six months. She fell asleep when to went to get the 4yo. I saw a biker lay his bike down and stopped for a half hour. I really wanted to continue to talk to her. We had over two hours together. Two really good hours. Two of the best hours.
Remember how I said I always get what I want? I want this more than anything.
Feeling like I have a lot less to say today. Feeling like a lazy day. My plans are to sort clothes, ots of sitting! My hormones are out of control, I feel like a teenager. She put her head on my shoulder and told me she holds back a lot from touching me. I know our love...I remember it...again.
I'm trying not to focus on that. The forgetting. I'm trying to hold on to what I feel; it's not hard to.
900am
I just found our vows. It would do me good to read them once a week.
1115pm
Well today went well. I ran out of time, but I got most of my shit done. At least I started sorting clothes. I found the vows in an empty journal we were supposed to pass back and forth. I wrote innit last week and decided to put my hormonal thoughts into words. She asks about my fantasies and I respond with dunno. So I wrote down what I was thinking about. I decided I didn't want her to read it unless we were going to be intimate. I dropped off the 4yo early and was hoping to spend some time with Lucy when I got home from my meeting. Right before my meeting she called and asked about the text about dinner I sent. Then she said I want some alone time with you!
Meeting went well, I got invited out, but declined. My sponsor pressured me to, but I had made plans.
What a night. We talked about our days and then after we talked about us. She told someone at school that I'm doing everything right. She said she wants to believe, but doesn't want to get hurt. I told her that everdaybcould be like this and I would still respect the six months. She fell asleep when to went to get the 4yo. I saw a biker lay his bike down and stopped for a half hour. I really wanted to continue to talk to her. We had over two hours together. Two really good hours. Two of the best hours.
Remember how I said I always get what I want? I want this more than anything.
Saturday, August 17, 2019
Giving in
8/16 1130am
Last night was hard. I sat in bed trying to decide to be interested and stay up or play asleep, holding my kindle, but not reading it. Praying for guidance but fighting the answer. Fighting.
“And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone – even alcohol” pg.84.Finally I gave in. OK God. I get it. Dont push yourself. If she wants to talk she'll talk to you. If not she won't. So I lay down and started to fall asleep. When she came back in she asked me a couple questions about my shift the next day and laid down in her bed. And said something softly. I barely heard it and asked her to repeat it twice. She said, "will you come lay with me." After about 10 minutes she told me I could go whenever I wanted. I said I didnt ever want to go. All I want is to be close to her. I want her to carry me around in her pocket. It so hard for her right now. I said thank you this morning, she said it wasnt for me it was for her. I know, I meant thank you for trusting me enough to come to me when you need me. She worries about leading me on, and me assuming we are back in it. I made it very clear, in a text so she can go back to it, that I hold no expectations except for the six month decision. I want her happy and having fun. If that means flirting and playing around with me, fine. If it means staying away from me, fine. I said it better in the text.
I dont feel like you are stringing me along. We made an agreement. As far as I'm concerned that was not breaking the agreement. Even if we were to have sex every night I would still respect the agreement and not assume we're back together. You need not hold back if you don't *want* to. I understand that when you let go it brings you closer and you worry about the ramifications on you. You do you. Dont worry about how I feel. If I dont want to do something I won't. Honestly I ache to be close to you and hold back so much. I dont mind at all to let go, but we are doing this for our relationship and to help ease your mind. I know my word means little now, but I assure you, I am all in.All in.
9pm
What a day. I've been nervous since 6 about her calling. She didnt call after school and went straight to derby. I asked if I should expect a call (big boy!) and she said yes.
Working backward I guess. I got a job at the post office starting 9/3. This fixes the money problem for now and sets me up with retirement. I'm so excited. I wish she was. Someone said it may scare her because we aren't together and I am gaining independence. I'm not sure. But I'm not sure I want to bring it up.
My mood has been mostly good today, but fluctuating some. I am starting to go back to me, not tore up me. This delights and scares me. I would like nothing else than to go back to old me, but I dont want to go back to the way I was. I'm scared if I go back, I may stop trying. Of course this is why we're doing six months. I feel really different, and I am very concerned for her well being. I dont see that changing. I had a very unproductive day. I worked was all. I fell asleep on the couch. I did do dishes and picked up a bit. This is how it can start. Less and less each day. I'm seeing it though. I've got my eye on it and it matters to me that I stay up here.
I'm going to try talking to her tonight about how I felt when she acted as if it were my problem to find a baby sitter for tonight when I had plans and her derby night was switched. It's not that I really care. It my flake game, so we dont usually play. I just would have liked her to say can you help me with this instead of here's my schedule. Normally I'd let something like this go and it would fester. I dont feel this way, so this is a good one to try it with.
I recorded some for my podcast today. Again, getting back to normality. It worries me, but at the same time it feels good. As long as i can hold this love in me i can do it all. It gives me energy and positivity.
I remembered something tonight talking to my grandma. It's not that things always work out for me, it's that I get what I want. And so does Lucy.
1020pm
Eh, it went ok. She said her derby was more important than my off week gaming. She did say if it was my main game she would have worked it out. She started to get hot and I tried to walk her back. I'm so glad I did this though. I just realized I learned this from AA. Practice picking up the phone when it's not an emergency, so when it is it's easy. AA ads Shad Helmsman. Two good things hellpin to control me from the background. They are seeped into my unconscious.
Thursday, August 15, 2019
Reality vs perception
8/25/2019 8am
Is this the hardest thing I've ever done? Have I hurt more than this before? Is this really the worst time in my life?
I don't know. I cant tell from inside.
845am
I think I fucked her up this morning. I was on the elliptical and she went into the kitchen, couldn't here her, couldn't see her, but I could smell her. I had been crying earlier and it was still bubbling up. She came out to say something and saw my face. She can read me like a book. She asked what was wrong. I just shrugged and started crying. She gave me a hug and then, apparently, got her stuff and left fifteen minites early. I wanted to say goodbye. I really wanted to ask her...I dont know. I'm not...
Last night she didnt even know I wasnt in bed. She is actively ignoring me. I may not be able to read her face, but I know her; she is fighting right now. She wants to stay away from me but can't.
1215pm
I need to get back to life. I am gaming tomorrow. I am chatting on discord. I am reading again. This is all so distracting for me. I just listened to podcasts for the first time in a while. Its making me feel normality again. I've got a lot on my day, and I've done a lot already.
645pm
At work and heard this.
'Another night and here we are again
All our faults laid out ahead
Let it out, then let it right back in
All those voices in your head
And we both know everything, but we can't learn to leave
So I'll tell you what you need
First thing, we make you feel better
Next stop, we pull it all together
I'll keep you warm like a sweater
Take my hand, hold on forever
Just fall apart if you need to
I'm here and I won't leave you now
Don't look down
Hold on forever
Lay down all your troubles end to end
They could reach up to the stars
So many roads, you don't know where you've been
But you still know who you are
And if I seem preoccupied, I'm wondering what to do
So here's my recipe for you
First thing, we make you feel better
Next stop, we pull it all together
I'll keep you warm like a sweater
Take my hand, hold on forever
Just fall apart if you need to
I'm here and I won't leave you now
Don't look down
Hold on forever
And we both know everything, but we can't learn to leave
So I'll tell you what you need
First thing, we make you feel better
Next stop, we pull it all together
I'll keep you warm like a sweater
Take my hand, hold on forever
Just fall apart if you need to
I'm here and I won't leave you now
Don't look down
Hold on forever
Just take my hand, hold on forever
Hold on forever
Just take my hand, hold on forever"
930pm
Got a call at work. Back up, got a text this afternoon confirming the dance lessons I scheduled. Knocked me down. Called and left a message and text as well. So got a call at work and ended up explaining the whole thing. Not rescheduling. It's a good thing. Hopefully in six months. I appreciate that. Then she talked about how she sees a lot of people going through break ups. Counselors send couples as a last resort. Both people have to be in it. She was very nice and told me I could drop in anytime for a lesson. Cant be sad or angry when you dance.
Bet me. The conversation was not heartbreaking. The more I talk about it tthe easier it is. I just dont want to start talking.
Came home with food for her. I told her about my day. Realized I didnt ask about hers, she usually talks about her day anyway. She said she was in a mood. I knew this morning fucked her up, I didnt realize how bad.
What brought me here was an off comment (joke) she made about someone [else] scrubbing her back in the shower. I turned around to say you just have to ask me, and froze. It hurt that I felt I couldn't say it.
Today was easier. Tomorrow will be too. I want to write more positive tomorrow.
Up and running
8/14 715am
When i woke up this morning Lucy was on her phone. It took all the strength I had to not crawl to her. I stayed in my bed, prayed, and then meditated. Now I am up, eaten, caffeinated, and on the elliptical for the excersisce I need. Here's to a stronger me today. Physically and spiritually.
310pm
3 more hours and I can go home. All I want to do is crash into my bed. I'm exhausted from my emotions. I have stuff to do after work though. Shopping, applications, USPS job stuff. Oh yeah, I'm a preliminary post office worker.
I really like this place though. It's very happy and friendly (my target). I told my boss today. She told me to do better. Well said.
7pm
Finally leaving work. Had to shop, that includes a bit of wandering. I'm not sure what I should do for to fight. Do I wait up? To I try to be asleep? When she moves out will I wait on the couch for her? I feel like yes. I feel like she needs to see my loneliness to know how I feel, but I dont want to rub it in her face either. I dont know. While we're in the same room I'll be able to gauge it.
I did learn something today. Working in target, the summer heat on strong, pretty women walking around in summer clothes, and me with the option to date. I dont. I look at ladies more when I'm upset (mad or sad), but I have no desire to even get to know them. It makes me feel good, and then makes me long for Lucy.
1045pm
We're both sitting here on opposite sides of the room, in separate beds, on our phones. I sat on her bed and hugged her. It's all I can do, and i feel like I'm begging when i do. I wanted to grab her face and kiss her hard. I can't make the first move. I'll feel like im sabotaging this. I have to wait for her. Six months if that's what it takes to be that close again. Our naked bodies pressing against each other. This isn't helping me really.
I didnt get a choice to wait up or not. She went out with the barbers so she came home early. Fine by me, I didnt want to make the choice. Crap, irresponsibly creeping in! Well, my choice would have been to wait up.
The post office job may be exactly what I need. The only problem I see is the lack of time for the phlebotomy job. I may go way down in cases. Like one day a month. I asked a friend at the PO and she said 16 an hour and 6/60 work weeks. It's very close to what we need to survive, with some babysitting and pick up jobs ot will be fine. I'm wondering if I wasted my time and money on phlebotomy. Oh well, what's done is done. Things always seem to work out, so maybe this is my new future. I've always, well since Sacramento, like the idea of being a mail carrier. Lost of excersisce, out in the world, and structured to a fine point. Same thing day in, day out.
I wonder if I had that in my job, unlike the chaos that is retail, if I would crave it at home. Not the chaos, the repetition.
When i woke up this morning Lucy was on her phone. It took all the strength I had to not crawl to her. I stayed in my bed, prayed, and then meditated. Now I am up, eaten, caffeinated, and on the elliptical for the excersisce I need. Here's to a stronger me today. Physically and spiritually.
310pm
3 more hours and I can go home. All I want to do is crash into my bed. I'm exhausted from my emotions. I have stuff to do after work though. Shopping, applications, USPS job stuff. Oh yeah, I'm a preliminary post office worker.
I really like this place though. It's very happy and friendly (my target). I told my boss today. She told me to do better. Well said.
7pm
Finally leaving work. Had to shop, that includes a bit of wandering. I'm not sure what I should do for to fight. Do I wait up? To I try to be asleep? When she moves out will I wait on the couch for her? I feel like yes. I feel like she needs to see my loneliness to know how I feel, but I dont want to rub it in her face either. I dont know. While we're in the same room I'll be able to gauge it.
I did learn something today. Working in target, the summer heat on strong, pretty women walking around in summer clothes, and me with the option to date. I dont. I look at ladies more when I'm upset (mad or sad), but I have no desire to even get to know them. It makes me feel good, and then makes me long for Lucy.
1045pm
We're both sitting here on opposite sides of the room, in separate beds, on our phones. I sat on her bed and hugged her. It's all I can do, and i feel like I'm begging when i do. I wanted to grab her face and kiss her hard. I can't make the first move. I'll feel like im sabotaging this. I have to wait for her. Six months if that's what it takes to be that close again. Our naked bodies pressing against each other. This isn't helping me really.
I didnt get a choice to wait up or not. She went out with the barbers so she came home early. Fine by me, I didnt want to make the choice. Crap, irresponsibly creeping in! Well, my choice would have been to wait up.
The post office job may be exactly what I need. The only problem I see is the lack of time for the phlebotomy job. I may go way down in cases. Like one day a month. I asked a friend at the PO and she said 16 an hour and 6/60 work weeks. It's very close to what we need to survive, with some babysitting and pick up jobs ot will be fine. I'm wondering if I wasted my time and money on phlebotomy. Oh well, what's done is done. Things always seem to work out, so maybe this is my new future. I've always, well since Sacramento, like the idea of being a mail carrier. Lost of excersisce, out in the world, and structured to a fine point. Same thing day in, day out.
I wonder if I had that in my job, unlike the chaos that is retail, if I would crave it at home. Not the chaos, the repetition.
Wednesday, August 14, 2019
Day 1
8/13 9am
My stomach is full of butterflies. I'm bot sure I even want to get out of bed. I want to start my day, but I also want to hide under the blankets and dream about last week. I want to cry. I just got these feelings back, why did I take so long? Why did I wait until the last minute? Story of my life. I'm changing that. Trying to do and not wait. The 4yo is awake now. So I dont have a choice.
945am
I just did something for the first time. I tapped into God's strength. I read somewhere that God will give us strength when we have none. So I asked, and now I have the strength to face my day, moments after I felt I could barely make toast without crying.
6pm
Ugh, I just spent the last hour and a half agonizing for no reason. If I text her and school is out at 430 so it unreasonable to assume I'd get a text around then? Yes I think. She is overloaded because she works hard and she probably hangs out for a bit smoking and chatting afterward. I'm going to set 6 as the time I begin to freak out, but I will get less of it in the future. Off to a meeting.
930pm
So much sexual energy. We're both showering (separately) and getting ready. Friends do this she says. Friends look I say. I say wanna kick it? She says is that like Netflix and chill? Yes. I'm not serious, well I am, but let's at least wait until the second night. How can I feel so pent up after being with her all week.
When I got home we sat and talked for at least a half hour, mostly about our days, mine went back to our relationship. She said the morning was hard. Everytime I ask about someone at school I feel like in prying. The barbers feel like I'm accusing her, but really, I just want to know about her life. Where was this when she started school? I mean I wanted to listen, but I never asked questions.
She seems to be doing good. Smiling. That makes it worth it.
My stomach is full of butterflies. I'm bot sure I even want to get out of bed. I want to start my day, but I also want to hide under the blankets and dream about last week. I want to cry. I just got these feelings back, why did I take so long? Why did I wait until the last minute? Story of my life. I'm changing that. Trying to do and not wait. The 4yo is awake now. So I dont have a choice.
945am
I just did something for the first time. I tapped into God's strength. I read somewhere that God will give us strength when we have none. So I asked, and now I have the strength to face my day, moments after I felt I could barely make toast without crying.
6pm
Ugh, I just spent the last hour and a half agonizing for no reason. If I text her and school is out at 430 so it unreasonable to assume I'd get a text around then? Yes I think. She is overloaded because she works hard and she probably hangs out for a bit smoking and chatting afterward. I'm going to set 6 as the time I begin to freak out, but I will get less of it in the future. Off to a meeting.
930pm
So much sexual energy. We're both showering (separately) and getting ready. Friends do this she says. Friends look I say. I say wanna kick it? She says is that like Netflix and chill? Yes. I'm not serious, well I am, but let's at least wait until the second night. How can I feel so pent up after being with her all week.
When I got home we sat and talked for at least a half hour, mostly about our days, mine went back to our relationship. She said the morning was hard. Everytime I ask about someone at school I feel like in prying. The barbers feel like I'm accusing her, but really, I just want to know about her life. Where was this when she started school? I mean I wanted to listen, but I never asked questions.
She seems to be doing good. Smiling. That makes it worth it.
Tuesday, August 13, 2019
D Day
8/12
10pm
I guess D-day is a bad name for this post. I am not defeated. Scared, but I'm not defeated. I actually want it to happen now. The anticipation is twisting me up. She's going out with friends tomorrow, friends I dont know. That's really twisting my gut. I'm glad it's all happening at once. I need ot to start so I can experience it and stop worrying. I know it's going to work out things always do. I just need to focus on that. Have faith. Work my program. Trust in the situation. Well, here she is. Our last moments for a while.
11pm
Here again. Feeling more connected and hopeful. I made a joke and she said she missed me. I'm glad I came back. I know I can do it. More confident. I just want her happy. I can have fun with her and make her smile; that's the stuff that will keep me going. Her smile, her laughter.
I fought hard to get back to this place, to wake up from my addiction induced sleep and I'm going to fight to keep myself here. Nothing worth doing is easy, and this is worth everything.
10pm
I guess D-day is a bad name for this post. I am not defeated. Scared, but I'm not defeated. I actually want it to happen now. The anticipation is twisting me up. She's going out with friends tomorrow, friends I dont know. That's really twisting my gut. I'm glad it's all happening at once. I need ot to start so I can experience it and stop worrying. I know it's going to work out things always do. I just need to focus on that. Have faith. Work my program. Trust in the situation. Well, here she is. Our last moments for a while.
11pm
Here again. Feeling more connected and hopeful. I made a joke and she said she missed me. I'm glad I came back. I know I can do it. More confident. I just want her happy. I can have fun with her and make her smile; that's the stuff that will keep me going. Her smile, her laughter.
I fought hard to get back to this place, to wake up from my addiction induced sleep and I'm going to fight to keep myself here. Nothing worth doing is easy, and this is worth everything.
Monday, August 12, 2019
The day before
1230am
I dont known if I could do this again, knowing what I know. See her pain, knowing her pain. If I could convince her to leave, knowing it would be years, I think I would. Would it be worse? I dont know. This is the path we are in though, dragged here by my ego and will run rampant. I think I do this so everyone expects failure; that way if I fail no one is disappointed.
10am
Today is better. I feel more in control of myself. My problem yesterday is that I wanted, so badly, for things to work out a certain way. "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today..." If I had accepted and relinquished my force of will I probably would have felt much better. Progress not perfection.
I dont known if I could do this again, knowing what I know. See her pain, knowing her pain. If I could convince her to leave, knowing it would be years, I think I would. Would it be worse? I dont know. This is the path we are in though, dragged here by my ego and will run rampant. I think I do this so everyone expects failure; that way if I fail no one is disappointed.
10am
Today is better. I feel more in control of myself. My problem yesterday is that I wanted, so badly, for things to work out a certain way. "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today..." If I had accepted and relinquished my force of will I probably would have felt much better. Progress not perfection.
Saturday, August 10, 2019
The Beginning
8/9/2019
I should start at the beginning, but maybe I'll start with why I'm doing this. If I can help one person with this idea then it's worth doing. I'm not sure if I want to write, vlog, or something else, but I feel like it should be shared.
I like the idea of using YouTube as a video is easy to make and my emotions can be seen as well as heard. A blog may be easier for some to digest, I prefer to read rather than watch.
8/10 1am
I'm making lists at night of what I want to do the next day. Short completeble lists of 3 things. Here is a list for my journey foward.
Successful employment with responsibilities
Consistently taking care of the house
Self care (showers, counseling, meetings)
Spiritual.care (prayer, meditation, reading)
making consistent creative time (blog, video, podcast)
There are 5 things that I feel I should do. I want these things. I will have these things.
I deserve a good salary. I am an employable person. I come across as a hard worker. Being successful is normal. I am a successful person. I like the feeling of responsibility. I make excellent decisions and project confidence.
My home is important. I take pride in the way my home looks. Keeping a clean room makes me feel organized. An empty sink is a refreshing sight. I clean every day so i only have to do a little a day.
I am important. I take care of myself so no one else has to. I look good and smell good too. I practice healthy habits of mind and body. My mind is sharp. My emotional state is peaceful and caring. I hang around my peers. I enjoy life.
My connection to God is real. I am close with my God. I pray every night and every morning. I learn about spirituality by reading books. I meditate daily to rreflect on what I have learned. I am honest and admit my faults. If I am wrong I say so when I realize it. I love the people around me.
People.like what I create. I spend time each day creating something. I put thought into my creation. I am comfortable asking for help or partnerships. I speak to a variety of creators daily.
8/10 8am
I asked if she was coming home tonight, I didnt mean it like that. Tonight is going to be the last big chunk of time we have until the separation. I have faith, I have strength, but I'm so sad to lose what we have right now. She said she was going out after school. To me that means less time. I dont like that I jumped straight to that, to me. I feel like I need to put her first. I am happy that she is doing things with her new friends, but all I see time is running out. I think she just sees herself getting closer to me, making a seperation harder. I must remember that things are going as planned, I just can't see the plan from the inside.
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." -- big book page 417
I should sleep, my mind is spinning so fast that I'm not sure i can. My lack of sleep this past week is catching up to me. I'll meditate at least.
...half hour later… or research blog names.
ruminations of recovery or recovery ruminations
Musings of a recovered alcoholic
Recovered not recovering quote.
8/10 6pm
I did something good for work today. Someone called and begged for me to go do a drawing. Turns out the appointment was later than they though and the other examiner arrived as I was leaving. My glasses were ready so I went to Salinas in hopes of seeing Lucy. I started texting around noon. I'm trying not to freak out and blow up her phone. It's hard. I feel like its possible she hasn't looked at her phone all day but unlikely. I'm not sure if I'm worried or just hurting. I want to take one of the boys phones and call, but that feels dirty. And I dont want her to be ignoring me. I dont know how to stop. I guess that's ridiculous. I can, I'm just so deep in it right now. I took a minute to slow down. I'm still upset. I really just wanted to have one last night together.
7pm
we just talked for a half hour. She was slammed and her phone died. I said some dumb things. I told her she was my wife. She brought up leslie. I dont know that I've ever acknowledged how much that hurts her. It's something I was thinking of today. When we get back together I would like to marry her for real. I'm so ready to be done, but I'm also ready to start, if I can figure me out and fix it, no matter what ends up happening it will be worth it.
940 PM
I think I'm just going to write this out everyday and post it the next day. That way it's easy to follow for me and I can track myself daily.
I'm still upset, but it's out of my hands now. *we* made the decision, I took responsibility for my input. It's going to be hard, but I have a large support network, that I didnt use today, that I am practicing using. I get to this point, that I think I've decided how I'm moving forward and I feel I dont need to talk. I need to remember that I'm not the smartest person I know and other people can help.me. I am going to practice reaching out again tomorrow, I cheated today and counted getting a phone number from a peer.
I hope this will help me next week when I have zero control of the situation to realize in need to let go as well.
940 PM
I think I'm just going to write this out everyday and post it the next day. That way it's easy to follow for me and I can track myself daily.
I'm still upset, but it's out of my hands now. *we* made the decision, I took responsibility for my input. It's going to be hard, but I have a large support network, that I didnt use today, that I am practicing using. I get to this point, that I think I've decided how I'm moving forward and I feel I dont need to talk. I need to remember that I'm not the smartest person I know and other people can help.me. I am going to practice reaching out again tomorrow, I cheated today and counted getting a phone number from a peer.
I hope this will help me next week when I have zero control of the situation to realize in need to let go as well.
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