Let It Go

8/30 1000pm
I am feeling bad today. We had a good night last night and I feel like I'm in destroy mode. I woke up thinking about or future and immediately went to her smoking and how that will kill her. I left late and missed my coffee. Later I dropped my phone and cracked the screen again. I went to her school for lunch, nope busy. Also wont kiss me in front of her school and never really introduces me to anyone. I did something nice. Last night she was hoping I'd set up something special for us. I bought her a Google home, set it to play a romantic playlist, and set up some battery votives. Went over awesome. Then she tells me she disconnected our photo apps (my idea) but it makes me feel like she's hiding something. After root beer floats, she's laughing out loud at texts while I'm sitting next to her. I'm now so jealous. I'm giving it to God and asking for strength. Its still hard. So hard. Her phone was in here while she took a long shower. I could have looked, but resisted. God help me in the future, give me strength to give her space.
So I dont think she has any idea. I told her I was sad about the photos thing. She's laying with teddy (us) right now on her phone. I'm so crazy that I didnt even notice all the scrolling she's doing. Probably looking at stuff, but my mind goes to bumble (dating app). Grr. I dont want to feel this way, but I am kinda glad I do. It validates my feelings are real.
I've been hard flirting with her all day. Like borderline peer pressure. I teased her about doing it in the car. The 4yo went to his cousin's house so we had a chance, but she's worn out. I understand. I am too. She been flirting back and is sad about being worn out.
[Sudden realization!  I dont need to tell here to go out on Saturday and now worry about me. That's her decision to make. Wow. For some reason that feels awesome. Back to it.]
I was just pushing her to tell me how I am embarrassing (she made a comment) and she asked if I wanted to turn this into a serious conversation. I puffed out my chest and said you got something serious to say? She let me have it, kinda. Not in an aggressive way, but an honest way. It was older stuff. Well, not from the last few weeks stuff. I feel.like i pissed her off, but she's not backing that way. It's just me feeling aggro. Grr. I'm going to go lay with her and I think tell her I had a bad day and didnt run to her. Or something. I want to let her know about my day and that I'm feeling jealous. I feel like she would want to here it.

1145pm
Went over well. She's impressed and had no clue.
[Ugh was this a control move? Meant to take away her power? Telling her I could live without her. Are my motives that deep?]
She said tour damned if you do and damned if you dont. I asked her to clarify. She said that even if I can keep this up there's a chance we may not be. Ugh. Gut punch. Then she said she didnt know. I like the not knowing vs a chance. A chance sets it in her mind. Her not  knowing, well, that seems better than her saving some percent for failure.
Even though I had a shitty day, I had a lot of fun with her.