The Beginning

8/9/2019

I should start at the beginning, but maybe I'll start with why I'm doing this. If I can help one person with this idea then it's worth doing. I'm not sure if I want to write, vlog, or something else, but I feel like it should be shared.

I like the idea of using YouTube as a video is easy to make and my emotions can be seen as well as heard. A blog may be easier for some to digest, I prefer to read rather than watch. 

8/10 1am

I'm making lists at night of what I want to do the next day. Short completeble lists of 3 things. Here is a list for my journey foward.

Successful employment with responsibilities 

Consistently taking care of the house

Self care (showers, counseling, meetings)

Spiritual.care (prayer, meditation, reading) 

making consistent creative time (blog, video, podcast)

There are 5 things that I feel I should do. I want these things. I will have these things.

I deserve a good salary. I am an employable person. I  come across as a hard worker. Being successful is normal. I am a successful person. I like the feeling of responsibility. I make excellent decisions and project confidence. 

My home is important. I take pride in the way my home looks. Keeping a clean room makes me feel organized. An empty sink is a refreshing sight. I clean every day so i only have to do a little a day.

I am important. I take care of myself so no one else has to. I look good and smell good too. I practice healthy habits of mind and body. My mind is sharp. My emotional state is peaceful and caring. I hang around my peers. I enjoy life.

My connection to God is real. I am close with my God. I pray every night and every morning. I learn about spirituality by reading books. I meditate daily to rreflect on what I have learned. I am honest and admit my faults. If I am wrong I say so when I realize it. I love the people around me.

People.like what I create. I spend time each day creating something. I put thought into my creation. I am comfortable asking for help or partnerships. I speak to a variety of creators daily.

8/10 8am

I asked if she was coming home tonight, I didnt mean it like that. Tonight is going to be the last big chunk of time we have until the separation. I have faith, I have strength, but I'm so sad to lose what we have right now. She said she was going out after school. To me that means less time. I dont like that I jumped straight to that,  to me. I feel like I need to put her first. I am happy that she is doing things with her new friends, but all I see time is running out. I think she just sees herself getting closer to me, making a seperation harder. I must remember that things are going as planned, I just can't see the plan from the inside. 

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." -- big book page 417

I should sleep, my mind is spinning so fast that I'm not sure i can. My lack of sleep this past week is catching up to me. I'll meditate at least.

...half hour later… or research blog names.

ruminations of recovery or recovery ruminations

Musings of a recovered alcoholic

Recovered not recovering quote.

8/10 6pm

I did something good for work today. Someone called and begged for me to go do a drawing. Turns out the appointment was later than they though and the other examiner arrived as I was leaving. My glasses were ready so I went to Salinas in hopes of seeing Lucy. I started texting around noon. I'm trying not to freak out and blow up her phone. It's hard. I feel like its possible she hasn't looked at her phone all day but unlikely. I'm not sure if I'm worried or just hurting. I want to take one of the boys phones and call, but that feels dirty. And I dont want her to be ignoring me. I dont know how to stop. I guess that's ridiculous. I can, I'm just so deep in it right now. I took a minute to slow down. I'm still upset. I really just wanted to have one last night together.

7pm 

we just talked for a half hour. She was slammed and her phone died. I said some dumb things. I told her she was my wife. She brought up leslie. I dont know that I've ever acknowledged how much that hurts her. It's something I was thinking of today. When we get back together I would like to marry her for real. I'm so ready to be done, but I'm also ready to start, if I can figure me out and fix it, no matter what ends up happening it will be worth it.

940 PM
I think I'm just going to write this out everyday and post it the next day. That way it's easy to follow for me and I can track myself daily.
I'm still upset, but it's out of my hands now. *we* made the decision, I took responsibility for my input. It's going to be hard, but I have a large support network, that I didnt use today,  that I am practicing using. I get to this point, that I think I've decided how I'm moving forward and I feel I dont need to talk. I need to remember that I'm not the smartest person I know and other people can help.me. I am going to practice reaching out again tomorrow, I cheated today and counted getting a phone number from a peer.
I hope this will help me next week when I have zero control of the situation to realize in need to let go as well.