I need strength to pause my thought. I did very well last night, when we talked, I just listened. I asked if she had any more to say and then I talked and she listened. What's new there is I listened. I only said things that were listening affermatives. I did not explain or defend myself. After I explained how I got to the place I was at after a day of thought, I took my friends advice and talked about my feelings. Only my feelings. Not what brought them up, or why I'm feeling them. Just what I was feeling. It's really hard to put into words. Especially the scary ones. But I did it. I owned it. It isnt relevant how she acted (not that it was bad, I just wasnt looking for a reaction), but that she received it. Wow...I wasnt looking for a reaction. Just sharing. That is what i really want. Just to be able to talk about it.
900pm
Good day. Did a lot of stuff. Filed a divorce for my ex wife finally. Never really realized or acknowledged how much it hurt her. Helped with her new room as well.
Only had one breakdown. Hard one, Almost had to pull over. I pulled out one note and speech to text. Let's see how that went.
Why is it that I hurt? why do I feel so alone? why am I so scared? I feel like if she had somebody else after awhile you won't want me. I feel right now that she only has me she has no one else. that's it I have control [hehe: which troll] and if I don't have any control I don't think that she wants to stay.
You wanna do it hurts. even before. [I have no idea]
I feel like the only way to get over the poly amorous thing is to think about it more, talk about it. I wanna know what it looks like in our life. Do we date other people do we invite a couple in? I also feel like I wanna have this conversation to spite you. I want you to feel what I'm feeling. I want you to be scared like I'm scared. I wanna feel about
All I want is to be close to you can't be close to you if there's someone in Between us And I want so bad to be close to right now.
Wow, fucked up, greedy, selfish, spiteful. And scared. So scared. Pretty sure this goes back to my abandonment issues.
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