Giving in

8/16 1130am
Last night was hard. I sat in bed trying to decide to be interested and stay up or play asleep, holding my kindle, but not reading it. Praying for guidance but fighting the answer. Fighting.

“And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone – even alcohol” pg.84.

Finally I gave in. OK God. I get it. Dont push yourself. If she wants to talk she'll talk to you. If not she won't. So I lay down and started to fall asleep. When she came back in she asked me a couple questions about my shift the next day and laid down in her bed. And said something softly. I barely  heard it and asked her to repeat it twice. She said, "will you come lay with me." After about 10 minutes she told me I could go whenever I wanted. I said I didnt ever want to go. All I want is to be close to her. I want her to carry me around in her pocket. It so hard for her right now. I said thank you this morning, she said it wasnt for me it was for her. I know, I meant thank you for trusting me enough to come to me when you need me. She worries about leading me on, and me assuming we are back in it. I made it very clear, in a text so she can go back to it, that I hold no expectations except for the six month decision. I want her happy and having fun. If that means flirting and playing around with me, fine. If it means staying away from me, fine. I said it better in the text.

I dont feel like you are stringing me along. We made an agreement. As far as I'm concerned that was not breaking the agreement. Even if we were to have sex every night I would still respect the agreement and not assume we're back together. You need not hold back if you don't *want* to. I understand that when you let go it brings you closer and you worry about the ramifications on you. You do you. Dont worry about how I feel. If I dont want to do something I won't. Honestly I ache to be close to you and hold back so much. I dont mind at all to let go, but we are doing this for our relationship and to help ease your mind. I know my word means little now, but I assure you, I am all in.

All in.

9pm
What a day. I've been nervous since 6 about her calling. She didnt call after school and went straight to derby. I asked if I should expect a call (big boy!) and she said yes.
Working backward I guess. I got a job at the post office starting 9/3. This fixes the money problem for now and sets me up with retirement. I'm so excited. I wish she was. Someone said it may scare her because we aren't together and I am gaining independence. I'm not sure. But I'm not sure I want to bring it up.
My mood has been mostly good today, but fluctuating some. I am starting to go back to me, not tore up me. This delights and scares me. I would like nothing else than to go back to old me, but I dont want to go back to the way I was. I'm scared if I go back, I may stop trying. Of course this is why we're doing six months. I feel really different, and I am very concerned for her well being. I dont see that changing. I had a very unproductive day. I worked was all. I fell asleep on the couch. I did do dishes and picked up a bit. This is how it can start. Less and less each day. I'm seeing it though. I've got my eye on it and it matters to me that I stay up here.
I'm going to try talking to her tonight about how I felt when she acted as if it were my problem to find a baby sitter for tonight when I had plans and her derby night was switched. It's not that I really care. It my flake game, so we dont usually play. I just would have liked her to say can you help me with this instead of here's my schedule. Normally I'd let something like this go and it would fester. I dont feel this way, so this is a good one to try it with.
I recorded some for my podcast today. Again, getting back to normality. It worries me, but at the same time it feels good. As long as i can hold this love in me i can do it all. It gives me energy and positivity.
I remembered something tonight talking to my grandma. It's not that things always work out for me, it's that I get what I want. And so does Lucy.
1020pm
Eh, it went ok. She said her derby was more important than my off week gaming. She did say if it was my main game she would have worked it out. She started to get hot and I tried to walk her back. I'm so glad I did this though. I just realized I learned this from AA. Practice picking up the phone when it's not an emergency, so when it is it's easy. AA ads Shad Helmsman. Two good things hellpin to control me from the background. They are seeped into my unconscious.