Reality vs perception

8/25/2019 8am




Is this the hardest thing I've ever done? Have I hurt more than this before? Is this really the worst time in my life?

I don't know. I cant tell from inside.




845am

I think I fucked her up this morning. I was on the elliptical and she went into the kitchen, couldn't here her, couldn't see her, but I could smell her. I had been crying earlier and it was still bubbling up. She came out to say something and saw my face. She can read me like a book. She asked what was wrong. I just shrugged and started crying. She gave me a hug and then, apparently, got her stuff and left fifteen minites early. I wanted to say goodbye. I really wanted to ask her...I dont know. I'm not...

Last night she didnt even know I wasnt in bed. She is actively ignoring me. I may not be able to read her face, but I know her; she is fighting right now. She wants to stay away from me but can't.

1215pm

I need to get back to life. I am gaming tomorrow. I am chatting on discord. I am reading again. This is all so distracting for me. I just listened to podcasts for the first time in a while. Its making me feel normality again. I've got a lot on my day, and I've done a lot already.

645pm

At work and heard this.

'Another night and here we are again
All our faults laid out ahead
Let it out, then let it right back in
All those voices in your head

And we both know everything, but we can't learn to leave
So I'll tell you what you need

First thing, we make you feel better
Next stop, we pull it all together
I'll keep you warm like a sweater
Take my hand, hold on forever
Just fall apart if you need to
I'm here and I won't leave you now
Don't look down
Hold on forever

Lay down all your troubles end to end
They could reach up to the stars
So many roads, you don't know where you've been
But you still know who you are

And if I seem preoccupied, I'm wondering what to do
So here's my recipe for you

First thing, we make you feel better
Next stop, we pull it all together
I'll keep you warm like a sweater
Take my hand, hold on forever
Just fall apart if you need to
I'm here and I won't leave you now
Don't look down
Hold on forever

And we both know everything, but we can't learn to leave
So I'll tell you what you need

First thing, we make you feel better
Next stop, we pull it all together
I'll keep you warm like a sweater
Take my hand, hold on forever
Just fall apart if you need to
I'm here and I won't leave you now
Don't look down
Hold on forever

Just take my hand, hold on forever
Hold on forever
Just take my hand, hold on forever"

930pm
Got a call at work. Back up, got a text this afternoon confirming the dance lessons I scheduled. Knocked me down. Called and left a message and text as well. So got a call at work and ended up explaining the whole thing. Not rescheduling. It's a good thing. Hopefully in six months. I appreciate that. Then she talked about how she sees a lot of people going through break ups. Counselors send couples as a last resort. Both people have to be in it. She was very nice and told me I could drop in anytime for a lesson. Cant be sad or angry when you dance.
Bet me. The conversation was not heartbreaking. The more I talk about it tthe easier it is. I just dont want to start talking.
Came home with food for her. I told her about my day. Realized I didnt ask about hers, she usually talks about her day anyway. She said she was in a mood. I knew this morning fucked her up, I didnt realize how bad.
What brought me here was an off comment (joke) she made about someone [else] scrubbing her back in the shower. I turned around to say you just have to ask me, and froze. It hurt that I felt I couldn't say it.
Today was easier. Tomorrow will be too. I want to write more positive tomorrow.