What a fucked up day. Started the morning out good until we started talking about the polyamorous. I started crying. I dont want to lose time. I dont want to share.
920pm
Ugh so much today. Dont even want to talk. She asked me to make her a massage appointment. Today is her day off. I was at work. So I called her and was like this isnt a seperation. We decided to talk tonight about it. Still uung up on polyamory, I messaged a poly friend.
At lunch I wanted to sit in my car and cry, so I called someone and they were like stand up and separate, it might not be what you want, but it might be what you need.
I don't want to hear that. So ow I'm dreading this talk. I don't even want to come home. After work things line up so I can talk to my poly friend for a while and she is so insightful. She says things that put me to a point where I'm looking forward to this convo. I'm excited to have it. She said something like situations are just kindling for the fire; talk about how you feel. Be genuine, that's the juicy bits. She also asked why Lucy asked things of me. Is she looking to trust me? So deep. She kept asking why. But why. But why? Because I'm scared to be left alone, with these huge feelings, not being fed.
Here's what I wrote about it, but not all how I feel.
What is the point? I need a mission statement I can look at and remind myself.
I didnt think before I called. I just called. If I would have thought this out I would have just decided that I like doing things for you and being included in your life. But I didnt, and this is what happened when I act before I think.
I'm pretty sure this is leftovers from this morning. I *am* very upset that I brought this on. I just dont know why I'm doing it. Because I want you to hurt? Because I want to be heard? Because I want to be close to you no matter how? Because I'm desperate for control.
Honestly I dont want to do this. I am all in. I will still do everything for you and expect nothing. I'm not sure why this bothers me.
I really dont want to talk about this the more I think about it.
Seperation means we live separate lives. I dont want that, I should be glad that you dont either.
This whole thing bothers me and I feel I'm just pushing back to push back.
To try out not relying on each other.
Of course I dont want that. I know I need to rely on you less (fourth step reading). I need you to a point where you are not questioning us.
If I were to draw a line, it would be if something that is just as easy or easier for you to do.
This is seperation. The idea is to see whether or not you can live without me. Again, I dont want this and saying these things scares me. I feel like I'm pushing you away. And I dont want you away from me.
I'm afraid you'll get mad an say fuck that guy I'll go be by myself. I don't want that.
--
What happens if I fall off in 2 weeks?
What happens if we turn it to 100 and see of I burn out?
No comments:
Post a Comment