On my good moments, I know this isnt about me and that I have no control. When I'm freaking out it's all about me and I'm fighting for control. That's why I want to her Lucy, so I feel like I'm in control. I hope that I can keep this perspective, it's what pulled me out of a panic attack today. I'm pretty sure I'm having them because of lack of sleep and over caffination.
630p
We made a deal that it is reasonable for me to expect a call everyday when she gets out of school by 6pm so I dont freak out. Why is that? I'm just doing it to check up on her. I'm just trying to exert control. So I text her and said I hadn't heard from you all day. Dick move. What I feel is lonely and I want to hear her voice. Why to I fuck around?
I almost sent this:
I wish I could just stop making this about me. I'm sick of my stupid feelings getting hurt over dumb shit that didnt matter 2 months ago and wont mayter once we are ok. I'm just being selfish and trying to control the situation. A box gets check, 600, time to exert my will.
930pm
I talked she listened and agreed. I said I do not expect a call, I want a call, I like talking to you. And if I'm freaking out I will figure out why I'm feeling that way and text you unless I'm really worried. She seemed happy with my revelation that this is not about me and I have no control. I know I am. I should try and go to.sleep, but I think I'm going to wait it out and see if she comes to me after her shower. It's the crazy in me keeping me up at night.
1030pm
ugh, I'm so needy. I'm still hoping, after she left the room, she'll be back. Ugh! Im fucking up my shit in hopes of a hug. Well, I'll settle for a hug, but in hopes of a fuck. Dammit. I should sleep, but I dont want to miss it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This is going to be a long six months if I continue with this. We were all flirty earlier and was hoping... I really need to sleep.
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