9/4 600am
Listening to an interview with Figs O'Sullivan and he said that it was not a you problem where a me problem but it's our problem and we need to face it United. If I can think that way I think that would help me a lot not be crazy and attack her like I did last night.
He goes on to talk about a question that one person in the relationship is better at asking than the other person and that's are you there for me? I feel like I need to answer that question more often. I am secure that Lucy is there for me. There are times when I am weak and there are times when I doubt it but those times are short lived. With Lucy the last 6 years she has been in the state of are you there for me. When I go there I know it's a scary place to be and I feel like it's the end of the world can't imagine living there for 6 years
While this is an us problem Figs also said that we need to be the experts on ourselves. I think that's the best thing about the 6 month separation. The idea is that we learn about ourselves and what we are bringing to the table. I need to figure out why I acted the way I did, and how to avoid that in the future. I think Lucy means to figure out if she could get rid of the pain that comes with me being good now. If she could trust me again and how she can trust me again. I have so much faith in us we have worked so hard at points in our relationship that we were not hurting and that we were not broken. And the beginning we worked so hard to not get to this point and something happened and we got to this point. I like to take all the blame for it, Lucy likes to take some blame for it. She probly takes too much and I probly take way too much. But I do know that I want out of this problem. I do know that I want Lucy more than anything in the world. And no matter what and the end, as I told her last night, we will be together in one way or the other. She told me that after this if we weren't together she would want me she would want to live with me forever still just because we're so we're so good friends and are so good together
I feel like shit today I'm sick and I feel very emotional right now and I doubt this is a good time for me to sit think. But it's probly a bad time for me to be at work. Lol at least I can't call in sick.
Lucy is my primary attachment figure she is what I have built my life around. She thinks that that's why I'm scared to lose her because so much of my life is wrapped up in her. But the truth is so much of my life is wrapped up in her because I want her in my life. She is the most important relationship in my life.
If Figs is right then I chose this relationship because I knew that Lucy will touch the soft spots in me and instead of coming out bad it will come good. And Lucy chose the same but those soft spots that I touched I made worse. I need to focus but how to make those better. I'm trying really hard. And this gives me a different perspective on what I am looking at. I think I'm learning when Lucy is feeling her lowest she is most connected to me. And she is struggling because she is *that* connected to me. Everything she seen and read and people she talks to say you need to get out. But her heart and our connection and our attachment tell her that there's no way she can't be in it. But she has to be here. Just like I have to be here. This gives me a whole new perspective on our relationship.
Somehow I got to the place where I thought to fix our problems I had to fix Lucy. I saw her hurting and wanted her not to her so I saw this is her problem and I needed help to fix her. But what I didn't realize that it was Our problem and I was part of it. And the only way I could fix our problem is by fixing the only thing I can, me. It's easy down to look back and see this but at the time I just felt not good enough. And I didn't think that was something that I could fix.
1050am
See the Waltz, Feel the Hurt, Own My Part.
More insight from Figs and EFT.
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there." -- Rumi
Love this as well.
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