Day off

8/22 1115pm
A whole day off. Off of this crazy trip I'm taking. Last night after she smoked I made a.comment about how long it took and told her exactly how long it was.  She said I'm worried about you. I told her all my crazy. All of it. We sat talking until the 4yo came looking for me and then went to bed, the three of us. So amazing. Too bad I was so crazy getting there. I slept until 11am thanks to Lucy. She wrote me an email (shudder, her letters are know) but it mostly said she was weak and I shouldn't count on her talking me down. I said I knew that and didnt expect her to. She also said not to expect anything, like talking before bed. I agreed. No expectations. Damn, I like that.
We had a good day, we each got stuff done and the went out together. We stayed in together afterwards and have been super close the rest of the night.
She told me it wont always be like this. I told her I expect ot not to be like this. I hope for this, i want this, but I'm trying to be ok whatever may happen.
Polyamory came up again. Stomach ache. She said she was still.looking at it as a last case type of thing to save us. She said she doesn't want to just give in to the possibility of the end, so maybe there is this other option. And yes she is looking into it to see if it's for her, but only for us. Makes me feel.less insecure about it. I hear it as she wants me so bad that if I cant give her what she needs she'll find someone else who can do that to stay with me. Not that she's looking for a replacement. I think that sums up my position. If I cant fulfill her, unwilling be replaced. I can understand the idea of polyamory, just cant feel it that way. I still want to finish the book and maybe get.myself to a place that I can handle it if it does happen, but I don't think it will. I don't think she would like the idea of sharing me. I asked (bad) if she could get over her jealousy to let me play. She said she didnt know, i think thats how the conversation started. I.held my tongue and didnt push forth trying to hurt her. I'm glad I was able to after that slipped out. I could have said fuck it and dumped on her, ruining the pleasant (awesome) maybe had. I am more hopeful now, I feel like I still know who she is, that this is just a thing, not a change.
I need to start taking care of myself. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow afternoon. Finally. See how things work out? Have I programmed myself to believe that it always happens at the last minute? Hmmm... thoughts for another day, I need sleep to not get crazy.