8/28 250pm
Last day at tarbucks, onward and upward. I'm excited to start a new job. A new life path, really. I have been stuck in this part for a long time. Im ready now to stand up and be the best example I can be to my kids. I'm already doing so much better than before. All I can do is what I can do. And damn can I do a lot!

8/26 240pm
I'm funding less time to post. That's a good thing, before I was getting worked up and making myself post. I was taking more time in the day (read: less sleep) to worry and put it in writting. Things are weird, we are spending stupid amounts of time together. I'm not complaining, but Lucy needs to be able to step back and look. I dont want her to feel like she didnt get what she needed out of this seperation. She downloaded a dating app to feel better, like she was moving and not stuck on me. She was grossed out. Maybe too strong of words. She was assaulted with messages.so much so she had to turn it off. She was worried about telling me, hurting me. I'm feeling reallynsane though, so o got to say, look at me, this is how I'm taking it. Tell me anything and I can handle it. I was worrying about what she would tell me and I came up with the worst thing I could. The worst would be if she saw so.eone else before the seperation. I asked myself how that would change the way I felt. It wouldn't. Sure it might hurt. But would it change anything? No. Could I get over it? Yes.

Idle hands

8/24 330pm
Friday was busy. I didnt even write. Lucy cut the first half of the day and I helped her a bit. I saw a new counselor and really like him.
830pm
What a long day. Did a photobooth at a friends party. Tried to go to church, but we had a toilet accident with the 4yo. My fault, but I didnt want to take him with no pants. I'm an introvert at parties and the photobooth gives me an excuse to hide while still feeling social. Someone asked for my card, it feels so cobbled together and feels very unprofessional. But people love it. I should design some cards.
Lucy was asleep when I was coming in here, I had to get teddy out of her room, she said she was going to come in and say goodnight. I was not expecting it! I think it would feel weird not to say goodnight to her. Sounds codependent. My therapist said that a couple of times. I need to start paying attention to that. He said that about my need to spend every moment with her. He called it object-relations and you should grow our of that by 6 and into object-usage.

Day off

8/22 1115pm
A whole day off. Off of this crazy trip I'm taking. Last night after she smoked I made a.comment about how long it took and told her exactly how long it was.  She said I'm worried about you. I told her all my crazy. All of it. We sat talking until the 4yo came looking for me and then went to bed, the three of us. So amazing. Too bad I was so crazy getting there. I slept until 11am thanks to Lucy. She wrote me an email (shudder, her letters are know) but it mostly said she was weak and I shouldn't count on her talking me down. I said I knew that and didnt expect her to. She also said not to expect anything, like talking before bed. I agreed. No expectations. Damn, I like that.
We had a good day, we each got stuff done and the went out together. We stayed in together afterwards and have been super close the rest of the night.
She told me it wont always be like this. I told her I expect ot not to be like this. I hope for this, i want this, but I'm trying to be ok whatever may happen.
Polyamory came up again. Stomach ache. She said she was still.looking at it as a last case type of thing to save us. She said she doesn't want to just give in to the possibility of the end, so maybe there is this other option. And yes she is looking into it to see if it's for her, but only for us. Makes me feel.less insecure about it. I hear it as she wants me so bad that if I cant give her what she needs she'll find someone else who can do that to stay with me. Not that she's looking for a replacement. I think that sums up my position. If I cant fulfill her, unwilling be replaced. I can understand the idea of polyamory, just cant feel it that way. I still want to finish the book and maybe get.myself to a place that I can handle it if it does happen, but I don't think it will. I don't think she would like the idea of sharing me. I asked (bad) if she could get over her jealousy to let me play. She said she didnt know, i think thats how the conversation started. I.held my tongue and didnt push forth trying to hurt her. I'm glad I was able to after that slipped out. I could have said fuck it and dumped on her, ruining the pleasant (awesome) maybe had. I am more hopeful now, I feel like I still know who she is, that this is just a thing, not a change.
I need to start taking care of myself. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow afternoon. Finally. See how things work out? Have I programmed myself to believe that it always happens at the last minute? Hmmm... thoughts for another day, I need sleep to not get crazy.

All about me

8/21 3pm
On my good moments, I know this isnt about me and that I have no control. When I'm freaking out it's all about me and I'm fighting for control. That's why I want to her Lucy, so I feel like I'm in control. I hope that I can keep this perspective, it's what pulled me out of a panic attack today. I'm pretty sure I'm having them because of lack of sleep and over caffination.
630p
We made a deal that it is reasonable for me to expect a call everyday when she gets out of school by 6pm so I dont freak out. Why is that? I'm just doing it to check up on her. I'm just trying to exert control. So I text her and said I hadn't heard from you all day. Dick move. What I feel is lonely and I want to hear her voice. Why to I fuck around?
I almost sent this:

I wish I could just stop making this about me. I'm sick of my stupid feelings getting hurt over dumb shit that didnt matter 2 months ago and wont mayter once we are ok. I'm just being selfish and trying to control the situation. A box gets check, 600, time to exert my will.

But I want to wait until she gets home to talk about it. Oh, and let's add that I dont need to expect a call, but if I feel lonely or scared I might text her to see what's up.
930pm
I talked she listened and agreed. I said I do not expect a call, I want a call, I like talking to you. And if I'm freaking out I will figure out why I'm feeling that way and text you unless I'm really worried. She seemed happy with my revelation that this is not about me and I have no control. I know I am. I should try and go to.sleep, but I think I'm going to wait it out and see if she comes to me after her shower. It's the crazy in me keeping me up at night.
1030pm
ugh, I'm so needy. I'm still hoping, after she left the room, she'll be back. Ugh! Im fucking up my shit in hopes of a hug. Well, I'll settle for a hug, but in hopes of a fuck. Dammit. I should sleep, but I dont want to miss it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This is going to be a long six months if I continue with this. We were all flirty earlier and was hoping... I really need to sleep.

Better days ahead

8/20 830a
I need strength to pause my thought. I did very well last night, when we talked, I just listened. I asked if she had any more to say and then I talked and she listened. What's new there is I listened. I only said things that were listening affermatives. I did not explain or defend myself. After  I explained how I got to the place I was at after a day of thought, I took my friends advice and talked about my feelings. Only my feelings. Not what brought them up, or why I'm feeling them. Just what I was feeling. It's really hard to put into words. Especially the scary ones. But I did it. I owned it. It isnt relevant how she acted (not that it was bad, I just wasnt looking for a reaction), but that she received it. Wow...I wasnt looking for a reaction. Just sharing. That is what i really want. Just to be able to talk about it.
900pm
Good day. Did a lot of stuff. Filed a divorce for my ex wife finally. Never really realized or acknowledged how much it hurt her. Helped with her new room as well.
Only had one breakdown. Hard one, Almost had to pull over. I pulled out one note and speech to text. Let's see how that went.

Why is it that I hurt? why do I feel so alone? why am I so scared? I feel like if she had somebody else after awhile you won't want me. I feel right now that she only has me she has no one else. that's it I have control [hehe: which troll] and if I don't have any control I don't think that she wants to stay.

You wanna do it hurts. even before. [I have no idea]

I feel like the only way to get over the poly amorous thing is to think about it more, talk about it. I wanna know what it looks like in our life. Do we date other people do we invite a couple in? I also feel like I wanna have this conversation to spite you. I want you to feel what I'm feeling. I want you to be scared like I'm scared. I wanna feel about
All I want is to be close to you can't be close to you if there's someone in  Between us And I want so bad to be close to right now.

Wow, fucked up, greedy, selfish, spiteful. And scared. So scared. Pretty sure this goes back to my abandonment issues.

How bad could it be?

8/19 330pm
What a fucked up day. Started the morning out good until we started talking about the polyamorous. I started crying. I dont want to lose time. I dont want to share.
920pm
Ugh so much today. Dont even want to talk. She asked me to make her a massage appointment. Today is her day off. I was at work. So I called her and was like this isnt a seperation. We decided to talk tonight about it. Still uung up on polyamory, I messaged a poly friend.
At lunch I wanted to sit in my car and cry, so I called someone and they were like stand up and separate, it might not be what you want, but it might be what you need.
I don't want to hear that. So ow I'm dreading this talk. I don't even want to come home. After work things line up so I can talk to my poly friend for a while and she is so insightful. She says things that put me to a point where I'm looking forward to this convo. I'm excited to have it. She said something like situations are just kindling for the fire; talk about how you feel. Be genuine, that's the juicy bits. She also asked why Lucy asked things of me. Is she looking to trust me? So deep. She kept asking why. But why. But why? Because I'm scared to be left alone, with these huge feelings, not being fed.

Here's what I wrote about it, but not all how I feel.

What is the point? I need a mission statement I can look at and remind myself.

I didnt think before I called. I just called. If I would have thought this out I would have just decided that I like doing things for you and being included in your life. But I didnt, and this is what happened when I act before I think.

I'm pretty sure this is leftovers from this morning. I *am* very upset that I brought this on. I just dont know why I'm doing it. Because I want you to hurt? Because I want to be heard? Because I want to be close to you no matter how? Because I'm desperate for control.

Honestly I dont want to do this. I am all in. I will still do everything for you and expect nothing. I'm not sure why this bothers me.
I really dont want to talk about this the more I think about it.

Seperation means we live separate lives. I dont want that, I should be glad that you dont either.

This whole thing bothers me and I feel I'm just pushing back to push back.

To try out not relying on each other.
Of course I dont want that. I know I need to rely on you less (fourth step reading). I need you to a point where you are not questioning us.
If I were to draw a line, it would be if something that is just as easy or easier for you to do.
This is seperation. The idea is to see whether or not you can live without me. Again, I dont want this and saying these things scares me. I feel like I'm pushing you away. And I dont want you away from me.
I'm afraid you'll get mad an say fuck that guy I'll go be by myself. I don't want that.


--
What happens if I fall off in 2 weeks?

What happens if we turn it to 100 and see of I burn out?

Afterward

8/18 830am
I feel cheated. I want more. I am hurt.
After i got up this morning, but before I left the bedroom I heard her wake up. I went over and hugged her. She asked what's up know something was. She knows me well. I told her I wanted more last night. She smiled and hugged me. She said its probably best because she was "touching some feels." She said that last night, in the middle, when I stopped and started at her. It hurts to be rejected. I dont like to hear stop from her. This is going to get hard. I see what she means by a roller coaster in our past. I imagine it was what I felt like when I tried really hard and then stopped. At least I have plans for the next two days. Today and tomorrow are her days off. I know why she liked to leave a lot.
I kinda want to talk to her about this, but I'm not sure how. I think just apologizing about the rollercoaster and saying I'm getting a small taste will keep it about her. That's what I want to get across. Not that I'm hurting. I just dont want to go back to friends.
930am
And of course she gets up, comes to me, sticks her feet under my legs and puts her head on my shoulder. I told her I think I know how that rollercoaster felt, I'm sorry. Goes to show that immediately exploding into emotions after being hurt is not the way to go. What did I used to say? Acknowledge, feel, move on.
900p
Exhausting day. Wrote out my resignation letters, emailed one and put the other in my bag. Saw my sponsor and talked about four. I help father in law install a toilet. I also worked for a few morning hours. I feel like I got nothing done, but looking back at my day ot went well. I'm avoiding helping Lucy move into the other room. I want to keep her in her. I know it's wrong and I really haven't had the time, so when I do I will. I'm making it a higher priority. I'm going to read some AA while waiting for her to come home.

Onward

8/17/2019 830am
Feeling like I have a lot less to say today. Feeling like a lazy day. My plans are to sort clothes, ots of sitting! My hormones are out of control, I feel like a teenager. She put her head on my shoulder and  told me she holds back a lot from touching me. I know our love...I remember it...again.
I'm trying not to focus on that. The forgetting. I'm trying to hold on to what I feel; it's not hard to.
900am
I just found our vows. It would do me good to read them once a week.
1115pm
Well today went well. I ran out of time, but I got most of my shit done. At least I started sorting clothes. I found the vows in an empty journal we were supposed to pass back and forth. I wrote innit last week and decided to put my hormonal thoughts into words. She asks about my fantasies and I respond with dunno. So I wrote down what I was thinking about. I decided I didn't want her to read it unless we were going to be intimate. I dropped off the 4yo early and was hoping to spend some time with Lucy when I got home from my meeting. Right before my meeting she called and asked about the text about dinner I sent. Then she said I want some alone time with you!
Meeting went well, I got invited out, but declined. My sponsor pressured me to, but I had made plans.
What a night. We talked about our days and then after we talked about us. She told someone at school that I'm doing everything right. She said she wants to believe, but doesn't want to get hurt. I told her that everdaybcould be like this and I would still respect the six months. She fell asleep when to went to get the 4yo. I saw a biker lay his bike down and stopped for a half hour. I really wanted to continue to talk to her. We had over two hours together. Two really good hours. Two of the best hours.
Remember how I said I always get what I want?  I want this more than anything.

Giving in

8/16 1130am
Last night was hard. I sat in bed trying to decide to be interested and stay up or play asleep, holding my kindle, but not reading it. Praying for guidance but fighting the answer. Fighting.

“And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone – even alcohol” pg.84.

Finally I gave in. OK God. I get it. Dont push yourself. If she wants to talk she'll talk to you. If not she won't. So I lay down and started to fall asleep. When she came back in she asked me a couple questions about my shift the next day and laid down in her bed. And said something softly. I barely  heard it and asked her to repeat it twice. She said, "will you come lay with me." After about 10 minutes she told me I could go whenever I wanted. I said I didnt ever want to go. All I want is to be close to her. I want her to carry me around in her pocket. It so hard for her right now. I said thank you this morning, she said it wasnt for me it was for her. I know, I meant thank you for trusting me enough to come to me when you need me. She worries about leading me on, and me assuming we are back in it. I made it very clear, in a text so she can go back to it, that I hold no expectations except for the six month decision. I want her happy and having fun. If that means flirting and playing around with me, fine. If it means staying away from me, fine. I said it better in the text.

I dont feel like you are stringing me along. We made an agreement. As far as I'm concerned that was not breaking the agreement. Even if we were to have sex every night I would still respect the agreement and not assume we're back together. You need not hold back if you don't *want* to. I understand that when you let go it brings you closer and you worry about the ramifications on you. You do you. Dont worry about how I feel. If I dont want to do something I won't. Honestly I ache to be close to you and hold back so much. I dont mind at all to let go, but we are doing this for our relationship and to help ease your mind. I know my word means little now, but I assure you, I am all in.

All in.

9pm
What a day. I've been nervous since 6 about her calling. She didnt call after school and went straight to derby. I asked if I should expect a call (big boy!) and she said yes.
Working backward I guess. I got a job at the post office starting 9/3. This fixes the money problem for now and sets me up with retirement. I'm so excited. I wish she was. Someone said it may scare her because we aren't together and I am gaining independence. I'm not sure. But I'm not sure I want to bring it up.
My mood has been mostly good today, but fluctuating some. I am starting to go back to me, not tore up me. This delights and scares me. I would like nothing else than to go back to old me, but I dont want to go back to the way I was. I'm scared if I go back, I may stop trying. Of course this is why we're doing six months. I feel really different, and I am very concerned for her well being. I dont see that changing. I had a very unproductive day. I worked was all. I fell asleep on the couch. I did do dishes and picked up a bit. This is how it can start. Less and less each day. I'm seeing it though. I've got my eye on it and it matters to me that I stay up here.
I'm going to try talking to her tonight about how I felt when she acted as if it were my problem to find a baby sitter for tonight when I had plans and her derby night was switched. It's not that I really care. It my flake game, so we dont usually play. I just would have liked her to say can you help me with this instead of here's my schedule. Normally I'd let something like this go and it would fester. I dont feel this way, so this is a good one to try it with.
I recorded some for my podcast today. Again, getting back to normality. It worries me, but at the same time it feels good. As long as i can hold this love in me i can do it all. It gives me energy and positivity.
I remembered something tonight talking to my grandma. It's not that things always work out for me, it's that I get what I want. And so does Lucy.
1020pm
Eh, it went ok. She said her derby was more important than my off week gaming. She did say if it was my main game she would have worked it out. She started to get hot and I tried to walk her back. I'm so glad I did this though. I just realized I learned this from AA. Practice picking up the phone when it's not an emergency, so when it is it's easy. AA ads Shad Helmsman. Two good things hellpin to control me from the background. They are seeped into my unconscious.

Reality vs perception

8/25/2019 8am




Is this the hardest thing I've ever done? Have I hurt more than this before? Is this really the worst time in my life?

I don't know. I cant tell from inside.




845am

I think I fucked her up this morning. I was on the elliptical and she went into the kitchen, couldn't here her, couldn't see her, but I could smell her. I had been crying earlier and it was still bubbling up. She came out to say something and saw my face. She can read me like a book. She asked what was wrong. I just shrugged and started crying. She gave me a hug and then, apparently, got her stuff and left fifteen minites early. I wanted to say goodbye. I really wanted to ask her...I dont know. I'm not...

Last night she didnt even know I wasnt in bed. She is actively ignoring me. I may not be able to read her face, but I know her; she is fighting right now. She wants to stay away from me but can't.

1215pm

I need to get back to life. I am gaming tomorrow. I am chatting on discord. I am reading again. This is all so distracting for me. I just listened to podcasts for the first time in a while. Its making me feel normality again. I've got a lot on my day, and I've done a lot already.

645pm

At work and heard this.

'Another night and here we are again
All our faults laid out ahead
Let it out, then let it right back in
All those voices in your head

And we both know everything, but we can't learn to leave
So I'll tell you what you need

First thing, we make you feel better
Next stop, we pull it all together
I'll keep you warm like a sweater
Take my hand, hold on forever
Just fall apart if you need to
I'm here and I won't leave you now
Don't look down
Hold on forever

Lay down all your troubles end to end
They could reach up to the stars
So many roads, you don't know where you've been
But you still know who you are

And if I seem preoccupied, I'm wondering what to do
So here's my recipe for you

First thing, we make you feel better
Next stop, we pull it all together
I'll keep you warm like a sweater
Take my hand, hold on forever
Just fall apart if you need to
I'm here and I won't leave you now
Don't look down
Hold on forever

And we both know everything, but we can't learn to leave
So I'll tell you what you need

First thing, we make you feel better
Next stop, we pull it all together
I'll keep you warm like a sweater
Take my hand, hold on forever
Just fall apart if you need to
I'm here and I won't leave you now
Don't look down
Hold on forever

Just take my hand, hold on forever
Hold on forever
Just take my hand, hold on forever"

930pm
Got a call at work. Back up, got a text this afternoon confirming the dance lessons I scheduled. Knocked me down. Called and left a message and text as well. So got a call at work and ended up explaining the whole thing. Not rescheduling. It's a good thing. Hopefully in six months. I appreciate that. Then she talked about how she sees a lot of people going through break ups. Counselors send couples as a last resort. Both people have to be in it. She was very nice and told me I could drop in anytime for a lesson. Cant be sad or angry when you dance.
Bet me. The conversation was not heartbreaking. The more I talk about it tthe easier it is. I just dont want to start talking.
Came home with food for her. I told her about my day. Realized I didnt ask about hers, she usually talks about her day anyway. She said she was in a mood. I knew this morning fucked her up, I didnt realize how bad.
What brought me here was an off comment (joke) she made about someone [else] scrubbing her back in the shower. I turned around to say you just have to ask me, and froze. It hurt that I felt I couldn't say it.
Today was easier. Tomorrow will be too. I want to write more positive tomorrow.

Up and running

8/14 715am
When i woke up this morning Lucy was on her phone. It took all the strength I had to not crawl to her. I stayed in my bed, prayed, and then meditated. Now I am up, eaten, caffeinated, and on the elliptical for the excersisce I need. Here's to a stronger me today. Physically and spiritually.
310pm
3 more hours and I can go home. All I want to do is crash into my bed. I'm exhausted from my emotions. I have stuff to do after work though. Shopping, applications, USPS job stuff. Oh yeah, I'm a preliminary post office worker.
I really like this place though. It's very happy and friendly (my target). I told my boss today. She told me to do better. Well said.
7pm
Finally leaving work. Had to shop, that includes a bit of wandering. I'm not sure what I should do for to fight. Do I wait up? To I try to be asleep? When she moves out will I wait on the couch for her? I feel like yes. I feel like she needs to see my loneliness to know how I feel, but I dont want to rub it in her face either. I dont know. While we're in the same room I'll be able to gauge it.
I did learn something today. Working in target, the summer heat on strong, pretty women walking around in summer clothes, and me with the option to date. I dont. I look at ladies more when I'm upset (mad or sad), but I have no desire to even get to know them. It makes me feel good, and then makes me long for Lucy.
1045pm
We're both sitting here on opposite sides of the room, in separate beds, on our phones. I sat on her bed and hugged her. It's all I can do, and i feel like I'm begging when i do. I wanted to grab her face and kiss her hard. I can't make the first move. I'll feel like im sabotaging this. I have to wait for her. Six months if that's what it takes to be that close again. Our naked bodies pressing against each other. This isn't helping me really.
I didnt get a choice to wait up or not. She went out with the barbers so she came home early. Fine by me, I didnt want to make the choice. Crap, irresponsibly creeping in! Well, my choice would have been to wait up.
The post office job may be exactly what I need. The only problem I see is the lack of time for the phlebotomy job. I may go way down in cases. Like one day a month. I asked a friend at the PO and she said 16 an hour and 6/60 work weeks. It's very close to what we need to survive, with some babysitting and pick up jobs ot will be fine. I'm wondering if I wasted my time and money on phlebotomy.  Oh well, what's done is done. Things always seem to work out, so maybe this is my new future. I've always, well since Sacramento, like the idea of being a mail carrier. Lost of excersisce, out in the world, and structured to a fine point. Same thing day in, day out.
I wonder if I had that in my job, unlike the chaos that is retail, if I would crave it at home. Not the chaos, the repetition.

Day 1

8/13 9am
My stomach is full of butterflies. I'm bot sure I  even want to get out of bed. I want to start my day, but I also want to hide under the blankets and dream about last week. I want to cry. I just got these feelings back, why did I take so long? Why did I wait until the last minute? Story of my life. I'm changing that. Trying to do and not wait. The 4yo is awake now. So I dont have a choice.
945am
I just did something for the first time. I tapped into God's strength. I read somewhere that God will give us strength when we have none. So I asked, and now I have the strength to face my day, moments after I felt I could barely make toast without crying.
6pm
Ugh, I just spent the last hour and a half agonizing for no reason. If I text her and school is out at 430 so it unreasonable to assume I'd get a text around then? Yes I think. She is overloaded because she works hard and she probably hangs out for a bit smoking and chatting afterward. I'm going to set 6 as the time I begin to freak out, but I will get less of it in the future. Off to a meeting.
930pm
So much sexual energy. We're both showering (separately) and getting ready. Friends do this she says. Friends look I say. I say wanna kick it? She says is that like Netflix and chill? Yes. I'm not serious, well I am, but let's at least wait until the second night. How can I feel so pent up after being with her all week.
When I got home we sat and talked for at least a half hour, mostly about our days, mine went back to our relationship. She said the morning was hard. Everytime I ask about someone at school I feel like in prying. The barbers feel like I'm accusing her, but really, I just want to know about her life. Where was this when she started school? I mean I wanted to listen, but I never asked questions.
She seems to be doing good. Smiling. That makes it worth it.

D Day

8/12
10pm
I guess D-day is a bad name for this post. I am not defeated. Scared, but I'm not defeated. I actually want it to happen now. The anticipation is twisting me up. She's going out with friends tomorrow, friends I dont know. That's really twisting my gut. I'm glad it's all happening at once. I need ot to start so I can experience it and stop worrying. I know it's going to work out things always do. I just need to focus on that. Have faith. Work my program. Trust in the situation. Well, here she is. Our last moments for a while.
11pm
Here again. Feeling more connected and hopeful. I made a joke and she said she missed me. I'm glad I came back. I know I can do it. More confident. I just want her happy. I can have fun with her and make her smile; that's the stuff that will keep me going. Her smile, her laughter.
I fought hard to get back to this place, to wake up from my addiction induced sleep and I'm going to fight to keep myself here. Nothing worth doing is easy, and this is worth everything.

The day before

1230am
I dont known if I could do this again, knowing what I know. See her pain, knowing her pain. If I could convince her to leave, knowing it would be years, I think I would. Would it be worse? I dont know. This is the path we are in though, dragged here by my ego and will run rampant. I think I do this so everyone expects failure; that way if I fail no one is disappointed.
10am
Today is better. I feel more in control of myself. My problem yesterday is that I wanted, so badly, for things to work out a certain way. "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today..." If I had accepted and relinquished my force of will I probably would have felt much better. Progress not perfection.

The Beginning

8/9/2019

I should start at the beginning, but maybe I'll start with why I'm doing this. If I can help one person with this idea then it's worth doing. I'm not sure if I want to write, vlog, or something else, but I feel like it should be shared.

I like the idea of using YouTube as a video is easy to make and my emotions can be seen as well as heard. A blog may be easier for some to digest, I prefer to read rather than watch. 

8/10 1am

I'm making lists at night of what I want to do the next day. Short completeble lists of 3 things. Here is a list for my journey foward.

Successful employment with responsibilities 

Consistently taking care of the house

Self care (showers, counseling, meetings)

Spiritual.care (prayer, meditation, reading) 

making consistent creative time (blog, video, podcast)

There are 5 things that I feel I should do. I want these things. I will have these things.

I deserve a good salary. I am an employable person. I  come across as a hard worker. Being successful is normal. I am a successful person. I like the feeling of responsibility. I make excellent decisions and project confidence. 

My home is important. I take pride in the way my home looks. Keeping a clean room makes me feel organized. An empty sink is a refreshing sight. I clean every day so i only have to do a little a day.

I am important. I take care of myself so no one else has to. I look good and smell good too. I practice healthy habits of mind and body. My mind is sharp. My emotional state is peaceful and caring. I hang around my peers. I enjoy life.

My connection to God is real. I am close with my God. I pray every night and every morning. I learn about spirituality by reading books. I meditate daily to rreflect on what I have learned. I am honest and admit my faults. If I am wrong I say so when I realize it. I love the people around me.

People.like what I create. I spend time each day creating something. I put thought into my creation. I am comfortable asking for help or partnerships. I speak to a variety of creators daily.

8/10 8am

I asked if she was coming home tonight, I didnt mean it like that. Tonight is going to be the last big chunk of time we have until the separation. I have faith, I have strength, but I'm so sad to lose what we have right now. She said she was going out after school. To me that means less time. I dont like that I jumped straight to that,  to me. I feel like I need to put her first. I am happy that she is doing things with her new friends, but all I see time is running out. I think she just sees herself getting closer to me, making a seperation harder. I must remember that things are going as planned, I just can't see the plan from the inside. 

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." -- big book page 417

I should sleep, my mind is spinning so fast that I'm not sure i can. My lack of sleep this past week is catching up to me. I'll meditate at least.

...half hour later… or research blog names.

ruminations of recovery or recovery ruminations

Musings of a recovered alcoholic

Recovered not recovering quote.

8/10 6pm

I did something good for work today. Someone called and begged for me to go do a drawing. Turns out the appointment was later than they though and the other examiner arrived as I was leaving. My glasses were ready so I went to Salinas in hopes of seeing Lucy. I started texting around noon. I'm trying not to freak out and blow up her phone. It's hard. I feel like its possible she hasn't looked at her phone all day but unlikely. I'm not sure if I'm worried or just hurting. I want to take one of the boys phones and call, but that feels dirty. And I dont want her to be ignoring me. I dont know how to stop. I guess that's ridiculous. I can, I'm just so deep in it right now. I took a minute to slow down. I'm still upset. I really just wanted to have one last night together.

7pm 

we just talked for a half hour. She was slammed and her phone died. I said some dumb things. I told her she was my wife. She brought up leslie. I dont know that I've ever acknowledged how much that hurts her. It's something I was thinking of today. When we get back together I would like to marry her for real. I'm so ready to be done, but I'm also ready to start, if I can figure me out and fix it, no matter what ends up happening it will be worth it.

940 PM
I think I'm just going to write this out everyday and post it the next day. That way it's easy to follow for me and I can track myself daily.
I'm still upset, but it's out of my hands now. *we* made the decision, I took responsibility for my input. It's going to be hard, but I have a large support network, that I didnt use today,  that I am practicing using. I get to this point, that I think I've decided how I'm moving forward and I feel I dont need to talk. I need to remember that I'm not the smartest person I know and other people can help.me. I am going to practice reaching out again tomorrow, I cheated today and counted getting a phone number from a peer.
I hope this will help me next week when I have zero control of the situation to realize in need to let go as well.