Up and running

8/14 715am
When i woke up this morning Lucy was on her phone. It took all the strength I had to not crawl to her. I stayed in my bed, prayed, and then meditated. Now I am up, eaten, caffeinated, and on the elliptical for the excersisce I need. Here's to a stronger me today. Physically and spiritually.
310pm
3 more hours and I can go home. All I want to do is crash into my bed. I'm exhausted from my emotions. I have stuff to do after work though. Shopping, applications, USPS job stuff. Oh yeah, I'm a preliminary post office worker.
I really like this place though. It's very happy and friendly (my target). I told my boss today. She told me to do better. Well said.
7pm
Finally leaving work. Had to shop, that includes a bit of wandering. I'm not sure what I should do for to fight. Do I wait up? To I try to be asleep? When she moves out will I wait on the couch for her? I feel like yes. I feel like she needs to see my loneliness to know how I feel, but I dont want to rub it in her face either. I dont know. While we're in the same room I'll be able to gauge it.
I did learn something today. Working in target, the summer heat on strong, pretty women walking around in summer clothes, and me with the option to date. I dont. I look at ladies more when I'm upset (mad or sad), but I have no desire to even get to know them. It makes me feel good, and then makes me long for Lucy.
1045pm
We're both sitting here on opposite sides of the room, in separate beds, on our phones. I sat on her bed and hugged her. It's all I can do, and i feel like I'm begging when i do. I wanted to grab her face and kiss her hard. I can't make the first move. I'll feel like im sabotaging this. I have to wait for her. Six months if that's what it takes to be that close again. Our naked bodies pressing against each other. This isn't helping me really.
I didnt get a choice to wait up or not. She went out with the barbers so she came home early. Fine by me, I didnt want to make the choice. Crap, irresponsibly creeping in! Well, my choice would have been to wait up.
The post office job may be exactly what I need. The only problem I see is the lack of time for the phlebotomy job. I may go way down in cases. Like one day a month. I asked a friend at the PO and she said 16 an hour and 6/60 work weeks. It's very close to what we need to survive, with some babysitting and pick up jobs ot will be fine. I'm wondering if I wasted my time and money on phlebotomy.  Oh well, what's done is done. Things always seem to work out, so maybe this is my new future. I've always, well since Sacramento, like the idea of being a mail carrier. Lost of excersisce, out in the world, and structured to a fine point. Same thing day in, day out.
I wonder if I had that in my job, unlike the chaos that is retail, if I would crave it at home. Not the chaos, the repetition.