Alone.

9/7 9pm
My grandfather is in the hospital. Hes 88 and fell off a roof. Hes broken. Lucy had plans to stay at a friends house tonight. I wish she would have stayed. I tried to convince her to let me pick her up. It's a 45 minute drive, lol. I'm crazy. My 4yo also has swimmers ear and I'm still sick.
So I'm alone.
Not a big deal, just something I'm not used to so I'm scared. We are waiting for my grandfather to show signs of getting better or worse. Nothing I can do there. Teddy is doing well, no pain.
The only issue is, I'm alone.
As long as I keep myself busy then. Morning was usual. We both made it a point to say goodbye. I had a chance to cut her some fruit for lunch and did it secretly. She said I was obsessed (guilty). I took teddy for a thirty minute drive to get meds, problems arose and it to an extra twenty minutes. After that we went shopping for stuff for food and came home.
I made rice, enchiladas, cookies, and banana bread. I also played minecraft with teddy. Then I got tired and came to bed.
And again, I am alone.
So I'm typing out this and thinking i should just sleep. But she might call, and I don't want to miss it. This is good for us though. She is breaking free, and I am learning to be less codependent. Lord.

"I don't  want to smile if it ain't from you."

1150pm
I'm worried about being forgotten. I'm scared that when she's with other people she forgets about me. Realizes how bad I am, and replaces me.
It's so ridiculous to hear, but I cant help but feel it.

125am
Got up after lying there for a half hour to take melatonin. My 14yo comes out to say there's a kitten on the porch and mom told him to put food out. Now I feel ignored. I know she thought of me and decided not to call. Probably because it was late. That doesnt make it hurt any less. I want to call her and pick a fight. I want to tell I'm here, love me. Please dont go. I want these feelings to die. I do not like the way they feel.
This is why I used before, to deaden the pain I felt. I'm not sure what that pain was, but it must've felt like this. Mind you I'm no closer to using than yesterday. I have no intention of ruining my life again and going back into my self inflicted hell.
No calls, no texts tonight. I dont know why. I hate that I need to know. I just text her "I miss you." The last thing I need is for her to call now. I just get so crazy over her. Now. Heh, so crazy I just checked Facebook.
This afternoon I recognized this feeling. I felt this way when lucy left for Las Vegas for a week. Difference was then i just moped, I wasnt crazy for her so I didnt get this worked up. But I also did nothing for a week. Haha, I did more today than that week!
Maybe I should have called someone. I'm so tired of talking about something I cant control. Next time I will. I know it helps. Maybe I should have called her. That's very codependent. I want her to have a good time and not worry about me. Wow, that's even more codependent, with a touch of martyr. I should have been more direct when I text her. I'm sure this has something to do with my grandfather too. I have zero control over that, so I may be trying to assert control everywhere else in my life.
I think i got this all figured out, but that sounds like my ego. I think I'm going to find someone to chat with on the internet.

And then she got home showered and crawled naked into my bed at 8am.