8/28 250pm
Last day at tarbucks, onward and upward. I'm excited to start a new job. A new life path, really. I have been stuck in this part for a long time. Im ready now to stand up and be the best example I can be to my kids. I'm already doing so much better than before. All I can do is what I can do. And damn can I do a lot!
Friday, August 30, 2019
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
8/26 240pm
I'm funding less time to post. That's a good thing, before I was getting worked up and making myself post. I was taking more time in the day (read: less sleep) to worry and put it in writting. Things are weird, we are spending stupid amounts of time together. I'm not complaining, but Lucy needs to be able to step back and look. I dont want her to feel like she didnt get what she needed out of this seperation. She downloaded a dating app to feel better, like she was moving and not stuck on me. She was grossed out. Maybe too strong of words. She was assaulted with messages.so much so she had to turn it off. She was worried about telling me, hurting me. I'm feeling reallynsane though, so o got to say, look at me, this is how I'm taking it. Tell me anything and I can handle it. I was worrying about what she would tell me and I came up with the worst thing I could. The worst would be if she saw so.eone else before the seperation. I asked myself how that would change the way I felt. It wouldn't. Sure it might hurt. But would it change anything? No. Could I get over it? Yes.
I'm funding less time to post. That's a good thing, before I was getting worked up and making myself post. I was taking more time in the day (read: less sleep) to worry and put it in writting. Things are weird, we are spending stupid amounts of time together. I'm not complaining, but Lucy needs to be able to step back and look. I dont want her to feel like she didnt get what she needed out of this seperation. She downloaded a dating app to feel better, like she was moving and not stuck on me. She was grossed out. Maybe too strong of words. She was assaulted with messages.so much so she had to turn it off. She was worried about telling me, hurting me. I'm feeling reallynsane though, so o got to say, look at me, this is how I'm taking it. Tell me anything and I can handle it. I was worrying about what she would tell me and I came up with the worst thing I could. The worst would be if she saw so.eone else before the seperation. I asked myself how that would change the way I felt. It wouldn't. Sure it might hurt. But would it change anything? No. Could I get over it? Yes.
Monday, August 26, 2019
Idle hands
8/24 330pm
Friday was busy. I didnt even write. Lucy cut the first half of the day and I helped her a bit. I saw a new counselor and really like him.
830pm
What a long day. Did a photobooth at a friends party. Tried to go to church, but we had a toilet accident with the 4yo. My fault, but I didnt want to take him with no pants. I'm an introvert at parties and the photobooth gives me an excuse to hide while still feeling social. Someone asked for my card, it feels so cobbled together and feels very unprofessional. But people love it. I should design some cards.
Lucy was asleep when I was coming in here, I had to get teddy out of her room, she said she was going to come in and say goodnight. I was not expecting it! I think it would feel weird not to say goodnight to her. Sounds codependent. My therapist said that a couple of times. I need to start paying attention to that. He said that about my need to spend every moment with her. He called it object-relations and you should grow our of that by 6 and into object-usage.
Friday was busy. I didnt even write. Lucy cut the first half of the day and I helped her a bit. I saw a new counselor and really like him.
830pm
What a long day. Did a photobooth at a friends party. Tried to go to church, but we had a toilet accident with the 4yo. My fault, but I didnt want to take him with no pants. I'm an introvert at parties and the photobooth gives me an excuse to hide while still feeling social. Someone asked for my card, it feels so cobbled together and feels very unprofessional. But people love it. I should design some cards.
Lucy was asleep when I was coming in here, I had to get teddy out of her room, she said she was going to come in and say goodnight. I was not expecting it! I think it would feel weird not to say goodnight to her. Sounds codependent. My therapist said that a couple of times. I need to start paying attention to that. He said that about my need to spend every moment with her. He called it object-relations and you should grow our of that by 6 and into object-usage.
Thursday, August 22, 2019
Day off
8/22 1115pm
A whole day off. Off of this crazy trip I'm taking. Last night after she smoked I made a.comment about how long it took and told her exactly how long it was. She said I'm worried about you. I told her all my crazy. All of it. We sat talking until the 4yo came looking for me and then went to bed, the three of us. So amazing. Too bad I was so crazy getting there. I slept until 11am thanks to Lucy. She wrote me an email (shudder, her letters are know) but it mostly said she was weak and I shouldn't count on her talking me down. I said I knew that and didnt expect her to. She also said not to expect anything, like talking before bed. I agreed. No expectations. Damn, I like that.
We had a good day, we each got stuff done and the went out together. We stayed in together afterwards and have been super close the rest of the night.
She told me it wont always be like this. I told her I expect ot not to be like this. I hope for this, i want this, but I'm trying to be ok whatever may happen.
Polyamory came up again. Stomach ache. She said she was still.looking at it as a last case type of thing to save us. She said she doesn't want to just give in to the possibility of the end, so maybe there is this other option. And yes she is looking into it to see if it's for her, but only for us. Makes me feel.less insecure about it. I hear it as she wants me so bad that if I cant give her what she needs she'll find someone else who can do that to stay with me. Not that she's looking for a replacement. I think that sums up my position. If I cant fulfill her, unwilling be replaced. I can understand the idea of polyamory, just cant feel it that way. I still want to finish the book and maybe get.myself to a place that I can handle it if it does happen, but I don't think it will. I don't think she would like the idea of sharing me. I asked (bad) if she could get over her jealousy to let me play. She said she didnt know, i think thats how the conversation started. I.held my tongue and didnt push forth trying to hurt her. I'm glad I was able to after that slipped out. I could have said fuck it and dumped on her, ruining the pleasant (awesome) maybe had. I am more hopeful now, I feel like I still know who she is, that this is just a thing, not a change.
I need to start taking care of myself. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow afternoon. Finally. See how things work out? Have I programmed myself to believe that it always happens at the last minute? Hmmm... thoughts for another day, I need sleep to not get crazy.
A whole day off. Off of this crazy trip I'm taking. Last night after she smoked I made a.comment about how long it took and told her exactly how long it was. She said I'm worried about you. I told her all my crazy. All of it. We sat talking until the 4yo came looking for me and then went to bed, the three of us. So amazing. Too bad I was so crazy getting there. I slept until 11am thanks to Lucy. She wrote me an email (shudder, her letters are know) but it mostly said she was weak and I shouldn't count on her talking me down. I said I knew that and didnt expect her to. She also said not to expect anything, like talking before bed. I agreed. No expectations. Damn, I like that.
We had a good day, we each got stuff done and the went out together. We stayed in together afterwards and have been super close the rest of the night.
She told me it wont always be like this. I told her I expect ot not to be like this. I hope for this, i want this, but I'm trying to be ok whatever may happen.
Polyamory came up again. Stomach ache. She said she was still.looking at it as a last case type of thing to save us. She said she doesn't want to just give in to the possibility of the end, so maybe there is this other option. And yes she is looking into it to see if it's for her, but only for us. Makes me feel.less insecure about it. I hear it as she wants me so bad that if I cant give her what she needs she'll find someone else who can do that to stay with me. Not that she's looking for a replacement. I think that sums up my position. If I cant fulfill her, unwilling be replaced. I can understand the idea of polyamory, just cant feel it that way. I still want to finish the book and maybe get.myself to a place that I can handle it if it does happen, but I don't think it will. I don't think she would like the idea of sharing me. I asked (bad) if she could get over her jealousy to let me play. She said she didnt know, i think thats how the conversation started. I.held my tongue and didnt push forth trying to hurt her. I'm glad I was able to after that slipped out. I could have said fuck it and dumped on her, ruining the pleasant (awesome) maybe had. I am more hopeful now, I feel like I still know who she is, that this is just a thing, not a change.
I need to start taking care of myself. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow afternoon. Finally. See how things work out? Have I programmed myself to believe that it always happens at the last minute? Hmmm... thoughts for another day, I need sleep to not get crazy.
All about me
8/21 3pm
On my good moments, I know this isnt about me and that I have no control. When I'm freaking out it's all about me and I'm fighting for control. That's why I want to her Lucy, so I feel like I'm in control. I hope that I can keep this perspective, it's what pulled me out of a panic attack today. I'm pretty sure I'm having them because of lack of sleep and over caffination.
630p
We made a deal that it is reasonable for me to expect a call everyday when she gets out of school by 6pm so I dont freak out. Why is that? I'm just doing it to check up on her. I'm just trying to exert control. So I text her and said I hadn't heard from you all day. Dick move. What I feel is lonely and I want to hear her voice. Why to I fuck around?
I almost sent this:
But I want to wait until she gets home to talk about it. Oh, and let's add that I dont need to expect a call, but if I feel lonely or scared I might text her to see what's up.
930pm
I talked she listened and agreed. I said I do not expect a call, I want a call, I like talking to you. And if I'm freaking out I will figure out why I'm feeling that way and text you unless I'm really worried. She seemed happy with my revelation that this is not about me and I have no control. I know I am. I should try and go to.sleep, but I think I'm going to wait it out and see if she comes to me after her shower. It's the crazy in me keeping me up at night.
1030pm
ugh, I'm so needy. I'm still hoping, after she left the room, she'll be back. Ugh! Im fucking up my shit in hopes of a hug. Well, I'll settle for a hug, but in hopes of a fuck. Dammit. I should sleep, but I dont want to miss it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This is going to be a long six months if I continue with this. We were all flirty earlier and was hoping... I really need to sleep.
On my good moments, I know this isnt about me and that I have no control. When I'm freaking out it's all about me and I'm fighting for control. That's why I want to her Lucy, so I feel like I'm in control. I hope that I can keep this perspective, it's what pulled me out of a panic attack today. I'm pretty sure I'm having them because of lack of sleep and over caffination.
630p
We made a deal that it is reasonable for me to expect a call everyday when she gets out of school by 6pm so I dont freak out. Why is that? I'm just doing it to check up on her. I'm just trying to exert control. So I text her and said I hadn't heard from you all day. Dick move. What I feel is lonely and I want to hear her voice. Why to I fuck around?
I almost sent this:
I wish I could just stop making this about me. I'm sick of my stupid feelings getting hurt over dumb shit that didnt matter 2 months ago and wont mayter once we are ok. I'm just being selfish and trying to control the situation. A box gets check, 600, time to exert my will.
930pm
I talked she listened and agreed. I said I do not expect a call, I want a call, I like talking to you. And if I'm freaking out I will figure out why I'm feeling that way and text you unless I'm really worried. She seemed happy with my revelation that this is not about me and I have no control. I know I am. I should try and go to.sleep, but I think I'm going to wait it out and see if she comes to me after her shower. It's the crazy in me keeping me up at night.
1030pm
ugh, I'm so needy. I'm still hoping, after she left the room, she'll be back. Ugh! Im fucking up my shit in hopes of a hug. Well, I'll settle for a hug, but in hopes of a fuck. Dammit. I should sleep, but I dont want to miss it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This is going to be a long six months if I continue with this. We were all flirty earlier and was hoping... I really need to sleep.
Wednesday, August 21, 2019
Better days ahead
8/20 830a
I need strength to pause my thought. I did very well last night, when we talked, I just listened. I asked if she had any more to say and then I talked and she listened. What's new there is I listened. I only said things that were listening affermatives. I did not explain or defend myself. After I explained how I got to the place I was at after a day of thought, I took my friends advice and talked about my feelings. Only my feelings. Not what brought them up, or why I'm feeling them. Just what I was feeling. It's really hard to put into words. Especially the scary ones. But I did it. I owned it. It isnt relevant how she acted (not that it was bad, I just wasnt looking for a reaction), but that she received it. Wow...I wasnt looking for a reaction. Just sharing. That is what i really want. Just to be able to talk about it.
900pm
Good day. Did a lot of stuff. Filed a divorce for my ex wife finally. Never really realized or acknowledged how much it hurt her. Helped with her new room as well.
Only had one breakdown. Hard one, Almost had to pull over. I pulled out one note and speech to text. Let's see how that went.
Why is it that I hurt? why do I feel so alone? why am I so scared? I feel like if she had somebody else after awhile you won't want me. I feel right now that she only has me she has no one else. that's it I have control [hehe: which troll] and if I don't have any control I don't think that she wants to stay.
You wanna do it hurts. even before. [I have no idea]
I feel like the only way to get over the poly amorous thing is to think about it more, talk about it. I wanna know what it looks like in our life. Do we date other people do we invite a couple in? I also feel like I wanna have this conversation to spite you. I want you to feel what I'm feeling. I want you to be scared like I'm scared. I wanna feel about
All I want is to be close to you can't be close to you if there's someone in Between us And I want so bad to be close to right now.
Wow, fucked up, greedy, selfish, spiteful. And scared. So scared. Pretty sure this goes back to my abandonment issues.
I need strength to pause my thought. I did very well last night, when we talked, I just listened. I asked if she had any more to say and then I talked and she listened. What's new there is I listened. I only said things that were listening affermatives. I did not explain or defend myself. After I explained how I got to the place I was at after a day of thought, I took my friends advice and talked about my feelings. Only my feelings. Not what brought them up, or why I'm feeling them. Just what I was feeling. It's really hard to put into words. Especially the scary ones. But I did it. I owned it. It isnt relevant how she acted (not that it was bad, I just wasnt looking for a reaction), but that she received it. Wow...I wasnt looking for a reaction. Just sharing. That is what i really want. Just to be able to talk about it.
900pm
Good day. Did a lot of stuff. Filed a divorce for my ex wife finally. Never really realized or acknowledged how much it hurt her. Helped with her new room as well.
Only had one breakdown. Hard one, Almost had to pull over. I pulled out one note and speech to text. Let's see how that went.
Why is it that I hurt? why do I feel so alone? why am I so scared? I feel like if she had somebody else after awhile you won't want me. I feel right now that she only has me she has no one else. that's it I have control [hehe: which troll] and if I don't have any control I don't think that she wants to stay.
You wanna do it hurts. even before. [I have no idea]
I feel like the only way to get over the poly amorous thing is to think about it more, talk about it. I wanna know what it looks like in our life. Do we date other people do we invite a couple in? I also feel like I wanna have this conversation to spite you. I want you to feel what I'm feeling. I want you to be scared like I'm scared. I wanna feel about
All I want is to be close to you can't be close to you if there's someone in Between us And I want so bad to be close to right now.
Wow, fucked up, greedy, selfish, spiteful. And scared. So scared. Pretty sure this goes back to my abandonment issues.
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
How bad could it be?
8/19 330pm
What a fucked up day. Started the morning out good until we started talking about the polyamorous. I started crying. I dont want to lose time. I dont want to share.
920pm
Ugh so much today. Dont even want to talk. She asked me to make her a massage appointment. Today is her day off. I was at work. So I called her and was like this isnt a seperation. We decided to talk tonight about it. Still uung up on polyamory, I messaged a poly friend.
At lunch I wanted to sit in my car and cry, so I called someone and they were like stand up and separate, it might not be what you want, but it might be what you need.
I don't want to hear that. So ow I'm dreading this talk. I don't even want to come home. After work things line up so I can talk to my poly friend for a while and she is so insightful. She says things that put me to a point where I'm looking forward to this convo. I'm excited to have it. She said something like situations are just kindling for the fire; talk about how you feel. Be genuine, that's the juicy bits. She also asked why Lucy asked things of me. Is she looking to trust me? So deep. She kept asking why. But why. But why? Because I'm scared to be left alone, with these huge feelings, not being fed.
Here's what I wrote about it, but not all how I feel.
What is the point? I need a mission statement I can look at and remind myself.
I didnt think before I called. I just called. If I would have thought this out I would have just decided that I like doing things for you and being included in your life. But I didnt, and this is what happened when I act before I think.
I'm pretty sure this is leftovers from this morning. I *am* very upset that I brought this on. I just dont know why I'm doing it. Because I want you to hurt? Because I want to be heard? Because I want to be close to you no matter how? Because I'm desperate for control.
Honestly I dont want to do this. I am all in. I will still do everything for you and expect nothing. I'm not sure why this bothers me.
I really dont want to talk about this the more I think about it.
Seperation means we live separate lives. I dont want that, I should be glad that you dont either.
This whole thing bothers me and I feel I'm just pushing back to push back.
To try out not relying on each other.
Of course I dont want that. I know I need to rely on you less (fourth step reading). I need you to a point where you are not questioning us.
If I were to draw a line, it would be if something that is just as easy or easier for you to do.
This is seperation. The idea is to see whether or not you can live without me. Again, I dont want this and saying these things scares me. I feel like I'm pushing you away. And I dont want you away from me.
I'm afraid you'll get mad an say fuck that guy I'll go be by myself. I don't want that.
--
What happens if I fall off in 2 weeks?
What happens if we turn it to 100 and see of I burn out?
What a fucked up day. Started the morning out good until we started talking about the polyamorous. I started crying. I dont want to lose time. I dont want to share.
920pm
Ugh so much today. Dont even want to talk. She asked me to make her a massage appointment. Today is her day off. I was at work. So I called her and was like this isnt a seperation. We decided to talk tonight about it. Still uung up on polyamory, I messaged a poly friend.
At lunch I wanted to sit in my car and cry, so I called someone and they were like stand up and separate, it might not be what you want, but it might be what you need.
I don't want to hear that. So ow I'm dreading this talk. I don't even want to come home. After work things line up so I can talk to my poly friend for a while and she is so insightful. She says things that put me to a point where I'm looking forward to this convo. I'm excited to have it. She said something like situations are just kindling for the fire; talk about how you feel. Be genuine, that's the juicy bits. She also asked why Lucy asked things of me. Is she looking to trust me? So deep. She kept asking why. But why. But why? Because I'm scared to be left alone, with these huge feelings, not being fed.
Here's what I wrote about it, but not all how I feel.
What is the point? I need a mission statement I can look at and remind myself.
I didnt think before I called. I just called. If I would have thought this out I would have just decided that I like doing things for you and being included in your life. But I didnt, and this is what happened when I act before I think.
I'm pretty sure this is leftovers from this morning. I *am* very upset that I brought this on. I just dont know why I'm doing it. Because I want you to hurt? Because I want to be heard? Because I want to be close to you no matter how? Because I'm desperate for control.
Honestly I dont want to do this. I am all in. I will still do everything for you and expect nothing. I'm not sure why this bothers me.
I really dont want to talk about this the more I think about it.
Seperation means we live separate lives. I dont want that, I should be glad that you dont either.
This whole thing bothers me and I feel I'm just pushing back to push back.
To try out not relying on each other.
Of course I dont want that. I know I need to rely on you less (fourth step reading). I need you to a point where you are not questioning us.
If I were to draw a line, it would be if something that is just as easy or easier for you to do.
This is seperation. The idea is to see whether or not you can live without me. Again, I dont want this and saying these things scares me. I feel like I'm pushing you away. And I dont want you away from me.
I'm afraid you'll get mad an say fuck that guy I'll go be by myself. I don't want that.
--
What happens if I fall off in 2 weeks?
What happens if we turn it to 100 and see of I burn out?
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