Codependency

9/16 1145am
I am a codependent isolationist.
I have few friends and even less of a social life.
I need to start over to detach.
This is so hard. I've identified the feeling I get. It's in my stomach, almost like I'm going to throw up, almost like butterflies. When I get it i need to watch myself. When i get it i want to attack. I will get better with practice, and will be able to relax a bit when i get the feeling.
I need to try and connect the feeling to my comfort spot. Move it when I feel it. Man it seems like I haven't felt that good feeling in a while. I cant remember the last time...I dont always remember the good. Hmm, another pin for my self talk. I'm trying to not do the things that identify me as a codependent. Thinking/talking/thinking obsessing over her is bad. Transferring that to someone else is bad too. I need to figure out something else to do. Not just pushing it down, that's the key.
920pm
In his them all tonight. Hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. Lucy text me and said she's spending the night out again, it's easier for school. That means I won't see her tomorrow at all. Not until the next day. Makes me sad. Also makes me jealous and crazy. Makes me scared she found someone to replace me. Makes me feel like blowing this up. I actually thought of drinking. Just for a moment, but it came to mind. If I cant get my way I'm going to scream until I do. Bleh. I prayed and was ok, then got teddy and food in me, and i was better. Now I'm tired and a bit worried. I just need to wait this out. This too shall pass.

Acceptance

9/15 630a
I woke up anxious. I talked myself down and asked what is the worst that happens. I came up with she finds someone to replace me. What happens? I move on...
I just dont want to accept that I can live without her. I *want* her in my life so bad that i dont acknowledge that life beyond lucy is even possible. I'm reading "Codependent No More," and getting a lot out of it. It makes me sad to think of life beyond lucy, but it is possible. In fact, I need to start figuring out what I want to do and doing it. It's been so long that I dont even know what that is. Man, I cant think of the last thing aside from games that I did for just me. I can probably transfer my codependency over to my kids, but that seems unhealthy.
I feel selfish focusing on me. Narcissism is an issue for me and I tend to draw that line closer because of my codependency. I need to find that line.
I think that I dint want to accept that I can live without her because I'm afraid I may start to.

I want it all

9/8 745pm
I'm all or nothing. I like that. I want one lover, that I spend all my time with and she with me. One friend, who can fill the off time. Greedy. Everyone is here for me. I am very self centered, but at least I am realizing it.

Alone.

9/7 9pm
My grandfather is in the hospital. Hes 88 and fell off a roof. Hes broken. Lucy had plans to stay at a friends house tonight. I wish she would have stayed. I tried to convince her to let me pick her up. It's a 45 minute drive, lol. I'm crazy. My 4yo also has swimmers ear and I'm still sick.
So I'm alone.
Not a big deal, just something I'm not used to so I'm scared. We are waiting for my grandfather to show signs of getting better or worse. Nothing I can do there. Teddy is doing well, no pain.
The only issue is, I'm alone.
As long as I keep myself busy then. Morning was usual. We both made it a point to say goodbye. I had a chance to cut her some fruit for lunch and did it secretly. She said I was obsessed (guilty). I took teddy for a thirty minute drive to get meds, problems arose and it to an extra twenty minutes. After that we went shopping for stuff for food and came home.
I made rice, enchiladas, cookies, and banana bread. I also played minecraft with teddy. Then I got tired and came to bed.
And again, I am alone.
So I'm typing out this and thinking i should just sleep. But she might call, and I don't want to miss it. This is good for us though. She is breaking free, and I am learning to be less codependent. Lord.

"I don't  want to smile if it ain't from you."

1150pm
I'm worried about being forgotten. I'm scared that when she's with other people she forgets about me. Realizes how bad I am, and replaces me.
It's so ridiculous to hear, but I cant help but feel it.

125am
Got up after lying there for a half hour to take melatonin. My 14yo comes out to say there's a kitten on the porch and mom told him to put food out. Now I feel ignored. I know she thought of me and decided not to call. Probably because it was late. That doesnt make it hurt any less. I want to call her and pick a fight. I want to tell I'm here, love me. Please dont go. I want these feelings to die. I do not like the way they feel.
This is why I used before, to deaden the pain I felt. I'm not sure what that pain was, but it must've felt like this. Mind you I'm no closer to using than yesterday. I have no intention of ruining my life again and going back into my self inflicted hell.
No calls, no texts tonight. I dont know why. I hate that I need to know. I just text her "I miss you." The last thing I need is for her to call now. I just get so crazy over her. Now. Heh, so crazy I just checked Facebook.
This afternoon I recognized this feeling. I felt this way when lucy left for Las Vegas for a week. Difference was then i just moped, I wasnt crazy for her so I didnt get this worked up. But I also did nothing for a week. Haha, I did more today than that week!
Maybe I should have called someone. I'm so tired of talking about something I cant control. Next time I will. I know it helps. Maybe I should have called her. That's very codependent. I want her to have a good time and not worry about me. Wow, that's even more codependent, with a touch of martyr. I should have been more direct when I text her. I'm sure this has something to do with my grandfather too. I have zero control over that, so I may be trying to assert control everywhere else in my life.
I think i got this all figured out, but that sounds like my ego. I think I'm going to find someone to chat with on the internet.

And then she got home showered and crawled naked into my bed at 8am.

The 6am breakthrough

9/4 600am

Listening to an interview with Figs O'Sullivan and he said that it was not a you problem where a me problem but it's our problem and we need to face it United. If I can think that way I think that would help me a lot not be crazy and attack her like I did last night.

He goes on to talk about a question that one person in the relationship is better at asking than the other person and that's are you there for me? I feel like I need to answer that question more often. I am secure that Lucy is there for me. There are times when I am weak and there are times when I doubt it but those times are short lived. With Lucy the last 6 years she has been in the state of are you there for me. When I go there I know it's a scary place to be and I feel like it's the end of the world can't imagine living there for 6 years

While this is an us problem Figs also said that we need to be the experts on ourselves. I think that's the best thing about the 6 month separation. The idea is that we learn about ourselves and what we are bringing to the table. I need to figure out why I acted the way I did, and how to avoid that in the future. I think Lucy means to figure out if she could get rid of the pain that comes with me being good now. If she could trust me again and how she can trust me again. I have so much faith in us we have worked so hard at points in our relationship that we were not hurting and that we were not broken. And the beginning we worked so hard to not get to this point and something happened and we got to this point. I like to take all the blame for it, Lucy likes to take some blame for it. She probly takes too much and I probly take way too much. But I do know that I want out of this problem. I do know that I want Lucy more than anything in the world. And no matter what and the end, as I told her last night, we will be together in one way or the other. She told me that after this if we weren't together she would want me she would want to live with me forever still just because we're so we're so good friends and are so good together




I feel like shit today I'm sick and I feel very emotional right now and I doubt this is a good time for me to sit think. But it's probly a bad time for me to be at work. Lol at least I can't call in sick.

Lucy is my primary attachment figure she is what I have built my life around. She thinks that that's why I'm scared to lose her because so much of my life is wrapped up in her. But the truth is so much of my life is wrapped up in her because I want her in my life. She is the most important relationship in my life.

If Figs is right then I chose this relationship because I knew that Lucy will touch the soft spots in me and instead of coming out bad it will come good. And Lucy chose the same but those soft spots that I touched I made worse. I need to focus but how to make those better. I'm trying really hard. And this gives me a different perspective on what I am looking at. I think I'm learning when Lucy is feeling her lowest she is most connected to me. And she is struggling because she is *that* connected to me. Everything she seen and read and people she talks to say you need to get out. But her heart and our connection and our attachment tell her that there's no way she can't be in it. But she has to be here. Just like I have to be here. This gives me a whole new perspective on our relationship.

Somehow I got to the place where I thought to fix our problems I had to fix Lucy. I saw her hurting and wanted her not to her so I saw this is her problem and I needed help to fix her. But what I didn't realize that it was Our problem and I was part of it. And the only way I could fix our problem is by fixing the only thing I can, me. It's easy down to look back and see this but at the time I just felt not good enough. And I didn't think that was something that I could fix.

1050am

See the Waltz, Feel the Hurt, Own My Part.

More insight from Figs and EFT.

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there." -- Rumi

Love this as well.

How much do I take?

9/1 1115p
I messed up tonight. I'm not perfect. That's not an excuse. I came home hungry, stressed (about my own plans [insight;trying to control my night]), and over caffeinated. Sounds like disaster. I was not keeping that in mind.
1am
I tried.to be extra loving the rest the night. She hurt. It was like there's the old Rich. I told her that she'll see tomorrow that I'm back on top, that I have more good days than bad, I'm not perfect, and I'm not going to stop trying. I really just want to figure out me, and be a good person. I've got the recipe and I'm building towards those goals. I told her that i just wanted to take care of her after hurting her.

Let It Go

8/30 1000pm
I am feeling bad today. We had a good night last night and I feel like I'm in destroy mode. I woke up thinking about or future and immediately went to her smoking and how that will kill her. I left late and missed my coffee. Later I dropped my phone and cracked the screen again. I went to her school for lunch, nope busy. Also wont kiss me in front of her school and never really introduces me to anyone. I did something nice. Last night she was hoping I'd set up something special for us. I bought her a Google home, set it to play a romantic playlist, and set up some battery votives. Went over awesome. Then she tells me she disconnected our photo apps (my idea) but it makes me feel like she's hiding something. After root beer floats, she's laughing out loud at texts while I'm sitting next to her. I'm now so jealous. I'm giving it to God and asking for strength. Its still hard. So hard. Her phone was in here while she took a long shower. I could have looked, but resisted. God help me in the future, give me strength to give her space.
So I dont think she has any idea. I told her I was sad about the photos thing. She's laying with teddy (us) right now on her phone. I'm so crazy that I didnt even notice all the scrolling she's doing. Probably looking at stuff, but my mind goes to bumble (dating app). Grr. I dont want to feel this way, but I am kinda glad I do. It validates my feelings are real.
I've been hard flirting with her all day. Like borderline peer pressure. I teased her about doing it in the car. The 4yo went to his cousin's house so we had a chance, but she's worn out. I understand. I am too. She been flirting back and is sad about being worn out.
[Sudden realization!  I dont need to tell here to go out on Saturday and now worry about me. That's her decision to make. Wow. For some reason that feels awesome. Back to it.]
I was just pushing her to tell me how I am embarrassing (she made a comment) and she asked if I wanted to turn this into a serious conversation. I puffed out my chest and said you got something serious to say? She let me have it, kinda. Not in an aggressive way, but an honest way. It was older stuff. Well, not from the last few weeks stuff. I feel.like i pissed her off, but she's not backing that way. It's just me feeling aggro. Grr. I'm going to go lay with her and I think tell her I had a bad day and didnt run to her. Or something. I want to let her know about my day and that I'm feeling jealous. I feel like she would want to here it.

1145pm
Went over well. She's impressed and had no clue.
[Ugh was this a control move? Meant to take away her power? Telling her I could live without her. Are my motives that deep?]
She said tour damned if you do and damned if you dont. I asked her to clarify. She said that even if I can keep this up there's a chance we may not be. Ugh. Gut punch. Then she said she didnt know. I like the not knowing vs a chance. A chance sets it in her mind. Her not  knowing, well, that seems better than her saving some percent for failure.
Even though I had a shitty day, I had a lot of fun with her.